legitimately

so last night i legitamitely fell out of bed.
and i really just had to google the spelling of "legitimately" because i knew that la-jit-a-mit-ly was just not right ... did you meanlegitimately? why yes, yes i did google, thank you.
and the more i look at that word. the more i think it looks like a lizard or a dinosaur name and not a legit word.
and i have ADD.
anywho...
last night i ... fell. out. of. bed.
think about it- how many of you have actually ever fallen out of bed? and i'm talking recently done so. not when you were 4 and your side rails were taken off. i mean current episode.
that's right- not many of you, if any.
but i did.
i was about an hour and a half into my awesome sleeping when i woke up to my body hitting the floor. i seriously felt like i had been picked up and tossed on the floor. ouch. 
i guess my dreaming of being chased by someone in my room and having to frantically make it out door resulted in my sleep walking, or running, or jumping, or whatever... and landed me straight on my ass.
talk about a wake up call.
i'm now officially afraid to go to sleep for fear of what i may do.
out of control people, out of control.

that's all for today, folks. 

i miss November

is it weird that i personally LOVE no shave november??

seriously- i love seeing men walking around looking all grizzly bear like. it's just so manly.

i just want to run up and rub on their beards.

haha okay, so maybe that is weird.

but i do love a good plaid wearing, bearded man in the winter months!!

sidenote: no beards allowed longer than 2 inches from the face. shit gets a little outta control at that point. a tame beard is a good beard.

wanna see some of my favorite bearded men ?

well here ya go...

and he has an amazing accent? hey boy hey!

hey noah, ally here.

oh chris pine. i have no words for you.

hugh jackman this is allowed. wolverine is not.

and that is why i love no shave November.

go snuggle up with a beard. you may just find that you like em.

unless you have an alan.

in that case, i'm sorry.

and i just made an entire blog post about men's beards.

i think i need sleep.

don't get weird. get a beard.

hazy

Something about myself that not everyone knows is I am quick to memorize lyrics. All it takes is a few times listening to a song and its lyrics will embed themselves into the wrinkles of my brain, never to be forgotten again. I like to think of it as a little super power.

Because of this little super power I have, I often find myself thinking in song lyrics. I recall lines and phrases that hit home, that explain just how I'm feeling. Much appreciation to the geniuses that come up with the beautiful word patterns that fill my head at all times.

compassion

when it comes to trying new things and stepping outside of our comfort zones we are all TERRIFIED, are we not? 

if you say you aren't... it's probably because you've already experienced that initial "first step out."
you've already overcome the fear of the unknown and you're comfortable with new life experiences.

as for me? i'm not quite there yet.
and i'm utterly jealous that you've already made it to that point.

okay. you're probably thinking
what in the world is she talking about?

i firmly believe that we are on this earth for a purpose, and that purpose is to serve others.

I'm striving to become a nurse. i will help ease the pain and suffering that is a part of this life.

we are here to show love in every aspect of our lives,
and to use whatever gifts we have to do GOOD in this world.
we have so many opportunities in our daily lives to help other people, but a lot of times we don't acknowledge those opportunities,
or even have a desire to do something for another person.
but why is this?

we wonder what to do, how to do it, and if we will even make a difference because of the fact that there are so many issues in front of us.
what we don't realize is that even the smallest thing can make the biggest difference.
from holding the door for someone to helping an elderly person to their car.
from volunteering at the local soup kitchen to donating blankets to shelters.
from a smile to a handshake.
anything and everything makes a difference.

my life is driven by this.
i have so many things i want to do and so many people i want to impact.

 i have the opportunity every single day to make a difference in people's lives.
i am so blessed with this.

however, i have this dream of doing more. going more places. helping more people. but 
i just haven't taken that initial step out of my comfort zone. the comfort zone i was just talking about.
i'm still living in this warm, comfortable, financially stable, and safe environment.
but yet i long to get out of it and do more.
i long to travel to Africa, and work in an orphanage.
i long to sit on dirt floors with children and do nothing but tell stories
i long to live a life of poverty even for a short time to see what others experience.

i ask myself why i haven't done any of this yet and i'm still trying to answer that.
i just know i'm getting there one day at a time.
i'm trusting that my time will come
that my idea of a "comfort zone" will just slip away.
because really.. this dream of serving in another country will never, ever go away.

baggage

I'll admit, I'm a pretty open person. Sometimes a little too open. But there are definitely times where I am totally closed off. There are things that I've hidden from almost everyone and I'm completely content with it being that way--I'm sure everyone has that to some degree.

There are definitely times where I wish I could share everything with this certain person. It would make everything so much easier. For the most part. It would explain so much. Why I am the way I am. Why I do the things I do. What I react in such ways to certain situations. But I'm too afraid. I think I can trust them but there is still a part of me that is hesitant with that trust. Trust that could either make or break us. And breaking is not a place I would want to go. But once again it's such a hesitant decision. I have one foot in the water and the other wanting to go, just too afraid to jump completely in and get soaked.

It's such a nostalgic feeling. A part of me wants to give and share it all, but the other does not. I want this person to be the one who I can turn to with anything. But once again, we go back to the trust. I think I can, and truly feel, that I can trust them. But I don't always have the best judgement.

I fear.

I fear if I share all I will be rejected.

This person wouldn't want to be my friend any longer.

I fear it will be too much for them to emotionally handle.

I fear I will lose them.

25

when i was growing up i always thought that by 25 i would be married,

or at least engaged-  starting a new life, with a new meaning, and with a new family.

but i'm not.

and my dream of having that one day is still there. it's just a little different now.

it's something i still want. and will always want. but it's not where my life is currently at.

and i am perfectly okay with that.

i have a beautiful son.

he's the love of my life.

i have awesome friends that I'm crazy about.

I have a job that I love.

I have dreams and goals.

and i'm happy.  

maybe not everyday,

but I'm facing my challenges

with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child.

 i'm striving for better.

so take that society and your social norms.

i may not know what my next step is, where my life is headed, or if my life will ever change.

but that's how life goes, right?

we hope and dream for things that may never happen.

we plan our lives out in a way that benefits ourselves and those dreams we long for.

i hope everyone always remembers those things.

it's in contentment that we find hope and peace.

a piece of myself

*disclaimer: this post isn't a happy one and one to turn to if you want the warm fuzzies. if you're looking for that, i advise you to look elsewhere for now. also, i'm not writing this so i can get pity points and people can think, 'oh, poor erika, i'm so sorry'. i'm not looking for that.

i've debated back and forth with myself whether or not i should write this post. if it was a good idea to be vulnerable and open up a part of my life with my readers, that not many know about. it scares me to write this post, i will be completely honest. but, i share my story because i want people to know there is hope. i know there are more people that read my blog than those that show their face. maybe, this is for them. maybe, i'm writing this post for me, to help me continue to heal. My name is erika and I suffer from depression.

In the past I truly believed that I wasn't good enough for the people around me. Pretty much my entire life I've lived to please everyone else and can never meet the expectation that is set for me. That spiraled me to think that I was never good enough for my friends, my family, boys, a job, anything. I didn't deserve anything in my life. I thought it was normal and everyone had these feelings, so I kind of just ignored it. I tried really hard to put on a good facade--to make people believe I was happy and fine, and in hopes, that I would eventually believe it too.
I needed these feeling gone, the hurt gone. it would make everyone else's life so much better if i could just be happy.
I have no idea what changed me, when asked this question, I can't really answer it. All I know is that I woke up one day and realized I never wanted to feel that way ever again. 
Today, I am a survivor and fighter. All of my problems are not gone, but I am learning to deal with them in a better way. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I have so many loved ones here to help me through this, and I will fight my depression.
 I hope that if you suffer from depression and are in that 'dark' place we all know too well, that you know there is hope. There is hope for you to get better and to live to your best potential. You are never truly alone and there are so many people rooting for you--I am rooting for you.

please don't put much thought into today

my brain isn't quite connecting to the page like i want it to.

therefore my words are being spewed with no filter what so ever.

[pay no attention.]

today has been a love-hate relationship with myself and the world.

so i shall overindulge myself in copious amounts of playlists.

sometimes it gets to be a bit absurd.

i wouldn't mind being a hermit crammed into a compact cave at the moment.

it's one of those days i could shove headphones in my ears. 

[a.k.a. ear plugs]

and be unaccompanied by the world.

i also wouldn't mind some simple cuddling in the near future.

i'm not always fond of the absence of attachment.

there is a brighter side to life.

i woke up to find a pair of bright blue eyes staring back at me

accompanied by a big wet kiss and a "hi mama!"

love of my life indeed.

It was exactly what I needed.

He's all I ever need.  

tomorrow will be better.

i already know it will.

maybe even tonight.

the problem with our society

one word: texting.

seriously. i feel like texting (and technology in general) is taking over society. it's like a sick disease. it slowly eats away our grammar, punctuation, spelling, and our ability to communicate by actually talk face to face with people. it makes me sick just thinking about any of these scenarios. really, though, it's a serious problem. granted, yes, it does have it's pros but, in my opinion, the cons are much more severe. people, get help! oh, and let's not forget the texting lingo that could get me on a soap box for hours. i won't go there, for your sake. then there's the cute little emoticons that can change the entire context of a text. the most commonly used ones: the smiley face.

:) the average smiley: 1. could mean that what the person said actually made you smile and since they cannot see your reaction, you use this little guy. 2. you feel bad and want to look like you care about the conversation so you use this as a filler. 3. you don't know how to use words. so, you use the smiley to fill in for the words you don't know how to use.

:( the frowny face: 1. that made me sad. 2. i'm disappointed. 3. i want to send you on a guilt trip. simple enough.

;) the winky face: or as i call it: the flirty face. woah, baby, if you're using this you better be sending this to the opposite gender. otherwise, it could be very awkward. this simple face can completely turn around the context of the text. exhibit a: "want to come watch a movie?" exhibit b: "want to come watch a movie? ;)" exhibit b says that you are very excited about this "movie watching" in which there will probably be very little watching. so, please, be very careful when using this face.

The wrong usage of words:

I don't know how many times I can say this: there is a difference between the homophones: they're, their, there, you're, your, to, too, two. please take a moment and read the difference between them and how to correctly use them.

there: a place. "we're going there tonight." "look over there."

their: possessive. used for a group of individuals or things. "that box is theirs" "their hair is so cute!"

they're: they are. seriously, people, this one is not hard at all! "they're(there are)different uses for these words." "they're(they are)going to sing a song."

your: a form of possessiveness. "is that cat yours?"  "i like your idea"

you're: you are. "you're(you are)the one that i want!" "you're(you are)too cute."

to: used to expressing a motion or direction. "from sea to shining sea." "i work from 6 to 9."

too: in addition; also; furthermore; to an excessive extent. "i want to go, too(also)." "you've have too(an excessive amount)much ice cream."

okay, i'll be off my soap box, for today. but, really, try very, very hard to learn these and use them correctly. those are just my definitions, i'm sure dictionary.com has much better definitions that are able to better understand. the world would be a better place if everyone knew had to use them. for now, we will start with small steps.

is it a little hypocritical that i didn't capitalize anything throughout this post while criticizing others about correct punctuation, grammar, spelling, and correct usage of words?

perhaps.

however, with all of my pet peeves about texting; i think that 'auto correct' can be freakin' hilarious and totally take a 360 on the conversation.

inside

i think that i am really good at putting on great facade. acting like everything is peachy when, inside, it feels far from it. i have no idea where my life is taking me right now and i'm not a fan of it. at all. i'm quite a control freak and i don't handle 'going with the flow' very well. i want my plan and life to be mapped out before me and i follow it. strictly to suit my desire. plan ain't turning out so well. i don't want to be that girl that wallows up in her sorrows and feels bad for herself. but sometimes i just need to vent. i don't necessarily need answers, just an escape. to let everything free to be out in the open. {hence, my blog.} things have not been going according to plan and i'm not sure how to take it. i'm attempting to go with it and see where it takes me, but, I don't know how long it'll last. 
inside i'm hurting. i don't know exactly how to pin-point the problem so i can solve it, and it's driving me nuts. sometimes i guess we really do need to just hurt in order to heal and to grow.

it's up to you

"Be the change you want to see in the world" Ghandi couldn't have said it better. With the quick rise of media, theft, and violence in the world; there is no better time to change it. to be a change in the world and to make a difference. Now, one might be saying "I'm a minuscule being compared to the world. What i do won't make a difference." You, my friend, are very, very wrong. Here is your opportunity. Have your heart touched. Take action. Do as much as you can with what you're given.

You make the difference.

a letter to me

dear erika,

this past year has been a whirlwind of a ride. your life was twist turned upside down, put back in order, just to be flipped, shook, and thrown in every which way. i promise, that the confusion, sadness, and pain are only temporary feelings and they will pass. 

you know exactly who you are and who you want to become, it just took a couple of times falling on the ground and hitting your head for you to remember. you know exactly what you want in life, so don't settle for anything less--even if it is convenient at the moment.

you have met some incredible people this year. made some of the best friends. keep the good ones close. treat them like gold. those who have stood by you this past year, recognize who they are and never let them go. they are true friends. 

though you may be frustrated with family circumstances and feel that you can take no more, you can. you are strong. when you want to give up, pick yourself up and keep going. it'll be worth it. speak kindly to them, for words are weapons. don't wound the ones you love. 

when everyone is telling you that you are not good enough. shove it back in their face. show them that you don't settle for a 'no' and prove them all wrong. prove it to yourself. 

be true to who you are. others will tell you to be a certain way, ignore them. you are you for a reason. everything you have been through has made you who you are today. be sassy. be sarcastic. be weird. be loud. be outspoken. be opinionated. be YOU. and never ever, ever try to change you are to try to please someone else. you've learned this the hard way and it doesn't please anyone. and to be quite frank, it makes you miserable.

it's okay to cry. to be sad. you are human, after all  with natural human feelings. but don't let those emotions rule your life even though, at times, it's the easiest thing to do. don't be a hermit and hide in your room from the world. face those hard days with a smile and pretend you are happy. eventually, you will believe the show you are putting on and feel happy. be grateful for the little things in life and don't focus on the trials--they'll always be there, but your blessings far outweigh those hardships. don't throw a pity party for yourself. honestly, that's the worst thing you can do.

you are great. you are wonderful. you are beautiful. 

when you read this again, you will laugh and make fun of your cheesiness, but you'll be grateful you wrote this. remember, i know you all too well. 

seven

I have become so close to these people, & they have seriously impacted me, more than they know. Some have been a part of my life for years, and others I'm just getting the pleasure of getting to know. Every day they keep me smiling, & i know with out a doubt in this world they will always have my back. 

let me tell you a little bit about them.

~KC. this girl has been a best friend for more than a decade. This isn't her first time appearing on the blog. But i love her so much. She has the sweetest heart, & always wants to do good. our relationship isn't like many. i can know her inner thoughts & feelings with out her having to say anything and the same goes for her.  we laugh together & we cry together. she's more than a best friend, she's a sister.

~Sam. do you ever have those people in your life where you just LOVE them so much? that's how i feel about this girl. she is so kind & loving, & wants to make everyone happy. i admire her values, & goals in life. when she wants something, she goes & gets it. she will always be an amazing example to me. 

~Zack. He is an absolute best friend {they all are} but i can tell him absolutely anything. we can sit & talk for hours, & be 100% honest with each other. i look up to him, for his desire to be a good person. He has the biggest heart, & i know that he is going to go far in life. he is probably the kindest person i know, & i hope one day he realizes that. 

~Joe. if there is one thing i have learned about this guy, is that he will always put his friends first. i know that nothing can come between us, & our friendship is as strong as ever. he is an absolute amazing guy, & deserves the best. we can always laugh at anything together & he can always put a smile on my face when i'm down.

~David. he is so sweet, & always wants to have a good time. i know he will always be there for me, no matter what the situation is. i admire how he always wants to know more, & understand more about certain situations. he gives the world's best hugs, & i love how i can be my complete self around him. 

~Christopher. if anyone can make me pee my pants, hands down it is this guy. he is absolutely crazy, & i LOVE it.  i love how he cares about everyone, & always makes sure we are doing okay. when something is wrong, he's there to help. i love how honest he is. he can tell it to you straight up! 

~Frankie. everything about this man can make me smile. he makes me laugh on a daily basis, &  his

personality just makes everything better. i am so grateful for how close we have become, with out him i wouldn't have a smile on my face nearly as much as i do. he deserves the world & more. Oh, and I absolutely adore him. 

why am I still awake?

To let go isn't to forgive, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy , or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving on. Letting go is growing up. 

free

I'm a builder.

Whenever a stranger comes near an instant wall goes up around me.

To scare them off if their only out to hurt me.

Or to bring them closer if they only wish to be there for me.

Cause I've know all my life

those who really want to be a part of your life,

a simple wall won't stop them.

Until he came along,

with a power of his own.

He had more strength than it took from me to build the wall.

And so.

With every step he took closer.

A brick would fall.

& once enough bricks where on the ground

for me to see his face.

I too,

Began to fall.

Until there was nothing left.

Nothing left in the world.

But Him and I

and a pile of bricks.

He spoke to me in ways friends would.

So I believe I was safe. 

As he sweet talked his way into my life,

a place he never deserved to be.

He discretely build up another wall. 

I was to blind to even notice.

Until. He suddenly was no longer there.

I tried to look for him.

But the wall kept me from getting very far.

So I tried to break free.

But it was near impossible.

For this time. The wall was made of plexi glass,

instead of stone. 

I threw my fists at that glass for months and months and months.

Until it broke my bones I pushed on that wall,

wanting nothing more to be freed. 

then finally.

As I watched the first piece of class crack.

I realized it was me all along.

Not Him.

I built this wall.

This guard. 

Like packing peanuts or bubble wrap.

To protect something fragile.

This wall.

The wall He wasn't willing to take down.

Even if it meant freeing me.

Me. 

The builder. 

As I opened the glass,

free as a bird I ran.

I ran to find him.

But soon stopped myself in my tracks.

For if I wasn't worth the fight, why should he be?

So instead. I turned to face the trap,

that once made me weak.

And chose to be thankful, and once I did.

I looked at my hands,

and found not one scratch.

Who cares if you're all I think about?

Are you with me baby,

lets  be crazy.

every little thing is gonna be alright

As this month is coming to a close I have been reflecting on my life.

Guys, I am so happy with who I was, who I am, and who I've become.

I've gone through challenges and trials and experiences just like every other person.

But I can honestly say I do not have any major regrets or things where I wish I could do over.

I feel as though I have lived out each moment of my life in the best way I could.

And I've learned so much.

SO much.

I am so grateful for all the people who have been put into my life.

I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given.

The places I've been and lived.

The future is sometimes a scary thing...

But  I know I will have happiness.

I know that it'll be a journey and an adventure and that it can be whatever I want it to be.

decipher

It's that moment when silence is unbearable but the noise is unwanted.

When the words that are said and the words unsaid are completely opposite and the exact same thing.

When you prefer the unknown but can't get enough of the truth.

Pain. Laughter. Sorrow. Disbelief. Dreams.

They now all mean the same thing.

The tears that fall-each one- a different story.

A different thought.

A different memory.

Worlds are crashing while you are trying piece things together.

But, where to start?

Nowhere.

Not wanting to listen but asking and begging for them to speak the words you don't want to understand.

Nothing adding up but not wanting it to.

Some words may be better left unsaid...but this isn't the case.

Rather, some words may be better left unbelieved.

So you choose what you want to hear and try to forget the rest, but that's not reality.

Sometimes reality is fake and fake is reality.

Decipher.

Take that, bridge post!

The Fist

The fist clenched round my heart
loosens a little, and I gasp
brightness; but it tightens
again. When have I ever not loved
the pain of love? But this has moved

past love to mania. This has the strong
clench of the madman, this is
gripping the ledge of unreason, before
plunging howling into the abyss.

Hold hard then, heart. This way at least you live.

-Walcott

I came across this poem today and I fell in love with it the moment the words were introduced to my thoughts. I guess I just like it because it goes along perfectly with everything I've been learning recently. Love is insane, it's madness, it goes against every natural instinct, and yet we long to taste its sweetness in our lives. Love causes us to forget ourselves. Love causes us to put ourselves last. Love causes us to act and think in ways that don't go along with the animalistic thought processes of self preservation. And yet, love is what makes life worth living.

The people we love have the power to hurt us because we give them a part of us. And before we even realize it, our heart is in a hundred fragmented pieces and resides with a hundred different people. But what we don't realize is this: the more fragmented and scattered the pieces of our hearts are, the more whole we become. Our purpose is to love. And when we allow ourselves to do that, we discover what it truly means to live.

So in the end, it's worth all the pain we may experience. All the unkind words uttered in moments of anger, all the disagreements, all the fights, all the hurt feelings, all the sadness, and all the missing. Because despite the difficulties we may come across in our journey to love the people in our lives, when we continue to love, and when we continue to put the well-being of others before ourselves, and when we continue to lift up those around us, then love will carry us through anything we may be forced to struggle through. In the end, love will eventually put us right where we want to be. 

Hey, can I get real with you for a minute?

I've been having a sincere problem lately.
And I do not mean problems as in "oh em geeeee my life has so many problems" but more in a "i have a problem" kind of way.
I have a stuffy nose.
Gross right?
Your probably thinking, wow is she really writing a Blog post about the sniffles? Yes. I guess I am. TMI? Probably. Whatever.
I've decided I'd rather suffer a dementor's kiss than deal with all this nonsense.
Tonight I was sitting at work having a conversation, and all the sudden I laugh or do a sudden movement or sound and BAM, my nose is leaking.
Whether it is there for a moment or if it lingers, it is still disgusting.
 (I'm laughing at this moment in time trying to imagine what is going through your minds...but hey, if it is too much you can go read one of my other more appealing posts).And personally I do not think that you should be disgusted with yourself, you know?
This certain bodily function- I think I can call it that- really just leads to super awkward situations in one way or another.
And my life is already awkward as it is...
Sometimes people witness it, and it's funny/gross for all of us.
BUT sometimes people pretend like they didn't see it, and maybe they didn't see it after all and I could just move on with my life, but I am Erika, so I usually announce that it happened. You know, to remove awkward questions from my brain like  "Did they see it? Should I apologize? Was it as gross as I think? Would it be rude if I randomly just got up and grabbed a tissue in mid-conversation?"Hopefully my immune system will choose to behave sometime soon.

As you can see, I really do need a tissue for my issue.

passionate about passion

I love sitting and listening to people talk about the things they are passionate about.
I think it is one of the most incredible things. The ability to feel passion and love something so openly...It's attractive and lovely. People get into an entirely different state of mind and you can really see vulnerability and depth, even if it is just for a split second.

tired eyes

On the occasion of my death, how will I be remembered?
Will it be sobs and soaked handkerchiefs or will it be laughter
and heads shaking in collective acknowledgment
to the silly and completely ridiculous stories that will be told?
On the occasion of my death, how will I meet the one that will
usher me through the crossroads of this life and the next?
Will it be with a bang, with a silent whimper, or with my forehead
to the clouds a grin upon my fading mouth and my hand reaching
out first to take his hand before he asks for mine?
Will it be painful, will it hurt, will I scream for it to be over
or will I, pushing through frozen bits of frozen moments,
understand the reason for the pain and the explanation behind
the hurt and instead turn and bask in it, the final sensation
this skin and these bones will ever feel this beautiful lap
through a breathtaking life.
On the occasion of my death, what will be the weather on the instant
and dizzying transition into the occasion of my rebirth?
Will I enter through a storm or through the gentle breeze of
a sunny day? Will the rain drops be my baptism and will my first
scream be only the echo of my last scream in the flesh I used to
wear, and wear proudly?
On the occasion of my death, will the explosion be felt across the
planet or will it be the single falling star spied by a single
lonely soul sitting on the roof of some creaking house in the
cool early Autumn night? Will they feel me flicker and fade
and burst back into glowing life or will I just fall into line
as the next star in a crowd of many that will make up some
constellation?
Will sailors guide themselves by me, will two young souls
freshly in love wish upon me when I come out while the blue
still hangs in the sky and will I feel those wishes?
On the occasion of my death, what will become of all that was?
What will become of all I was to be
on the occasion of my death?

release

sometimes i have these things

these things that want to escape
escape and run away and change the world
and feel and breathe and live

they want to fall like the rain or dance like the wind

occasionally i want to set them free

i want to see what they can do

see what they have in store and release them along with their potential

but then fear strikes inside

and then just thinking about the fear striking makes it strike all over again

almost like a big flash saying "don't let others see who you truly are"

then i'm left just sitting here

thinking, wondering, hoping, wishing

just like these things
these things that are thousands and hundreds and just one
because there are so many possibilities
reckless, hopeless, adoring, and lovely

they are like watching a love note floating through the sky
filled with things too beautiful to fully accept
not knowing where it will go, where it will land, who it will meet
others wishing they could still hold it
but glad that they still have it in their hearts and memory for forever

sometimes i have these things

these things that I want to let escape
escape and run away and change the world
and feel and breathe and live...