summer time and the livings easy

There's something so lovely about summer. The taste of honeysuckle. The flicker of a firefly. The smell of sunblock. The locust making music in the night. It moves me. It makes me feel alive. I want to spend my summer smiling. I want to spend it with the sun on my skin and my toes in the sand. I want to spend it happy.

blow bubbles
eat foil dinners
play hopscotch
cartwheels in the grass
carve names in a tree
mini road trip
ride a ferris wheel
play tag in the rain
make a fort
eat a snow cone
water balloon fight
plant a garden
watch the clouds go by
visit a zoo
get a pedicure
play flashlight tag
drive in theater
make smores
build a sand castle
fly a kite
send a message in a bottle
catch lightening bugs
eat honeysuckle
make a lemonade stand
camp in the backyard
picnic at the park 
sidewalk chalk
go fishing
watch fireworks
find a waterfall
pick berries
visit a museum
play on monkey bars
root beer floats


How will you be spending your summer?

hater

Why is hating such a cool thing to do?

As kids, it was cool to love things. Kids loved riding their bikes, loved being outside, found so much joy in watching the older kids do tricks at the skate park. No one hated on you for embracing what you loved.

As adults, it seems like the cool thing to do is sit around and criticize people for loving what they do. “How can she like that movie? It’s so stupid!” … “Ugh, Nickleback is the worst! You clearly have no taste.” … “How can you jump out of a perfectly good airplane?” … “Tattoos are ugly, you should stop getting them.”

Now to be fair, Nickleback is terrible and anyone who does enjoy their music clearly has no taste.

Ha! Kidding. Kind of.

Note: This is all just an observation – I’m not hating on haters or anything. I have plenty of friends who I would classify as “haters,” but I still love ‘em.

I have three questions for the criticizers:

1) Is this how you make friends, by laughing at the pleasure others get out of their lives? 

2) What makes you an expert on what’s worth enjoying and what’s not?

3) Is there anything that you actually enjoy, aside from hating on others?

Don’t be ashamed of your obsessions. If you love something, go ahead and fucking love it - loudly and all over the place. That’s how you find your people, after all.

And why shouldn’t we embrace what we love? So what if it’s not “popular.” We’re fucking adults – why on Earth would we make rational, adult decisions to dismiss what we love because someone else thinks it’s stupid?

Our differences are what make us unique, people. I don’t want to live in a world filled with 5 foot 9 blonde chicks who skydive, have tattoos and spend a little too much time on social media. Fuck that noise!

If hating is what you love, then keep on keepin’ on. I personally, will be spending my time loving life in my own way – I challenge you to do the same.

I found the sunshine.

My long-lost friend made an appearance this week; Sunshine, you've been missed. But my ghostly white legs also made an appearance this week. And those suckers haven't been missed. I went surfing nearly every day this week, and I am quite convinced I'm absolutely in love with it. And as far as I'm concerned, love can go a long way as long as you've got a little determination.

I have never been happier before in my life. And that doesn't mean I'm not going through difficult things. Believe me, I'm struggling with a variety of little things that are nagging away at the back of my mind on a daily basis, BUT I've never felt more blessed and happy. And those two things alone make all the difficult things going on in my life more bearable. I have learned for myself that life does not give me any trials that are too difficult for me to handle. I can overcome anything.

And THAT'S why I'm happy-- my life is not perfect by any means. I have my own set of trials that I am working to get through, but I know with all my heart that my loved ones will stand by me through all of it. We will have to face MANY trials during our time here on Earth. It is our job to step back and take the time to recognize the ways that we are blessed in our lives. And if we are genuinely looking for answers, we will find them.

The world is beautiful, and our lives are meant to be enjoyed. So smile more, love more, enjoy the world's beauty more, and fill each day with light. Because that light is there and it's available to us in all that we do; we just have to welcome it into our hearts, our minds, and our eyes. Go out and do something wonderful. And then come back for a visit and tell me all about it. 

semicolon

A semicolon is punctuation a writer uses when they could have ended a sentence, but have chosen not to. The mess before the punctuation is a messy life, a hard life, a confusing life, a hurt life. someone considering ending it. But because they chose not to, there is a beautiful life left for them to live. It is a daily reminder that no matter how hard things are, there is something beautiful promised me. There is something that i need to live for, and that life is too beautiful to cut short..

i should be packing

In the end it’s the smallest of touches that move us
in the biggest of ways like an earthquake to the heart
in the silent darkness at the close of our days.
It’s the slow reach of a tired foot across the empty spaces between us,
the pull like leaves to light.The shock of electricity and the stolen
breath when you fall asleep touching me in the night.
In the end it’s the shared heat of unspoken moments
the grace of skin on skin the audible beat of your heart
like bass drums that fill with sound the emptiness we hide ourselves in.
It’s the desperate search for fingerprints you left behind on my flesh
the echoes of your fingers.The frantic attempt to bathe in you
because we both know that it’s scent alone that lingers.
In the end it’s the glances and the grazes that change us
in ways only we can see the eyes that lock across crowded rooms
the wordless sighs that stop the shaking and calm our stormy seas.
It’s the single kiss on a surprised neck and the pulse of life under lips
the goosebumps that always stay. The roll of eyes and the inhale
because it’s the smallest of touches that move us in the biggest way.

Raindrops or teardrops? It's all the same to me.

Somehow I ended up there; after a long night that had put a consistent strain on my emotions. I spread out my blanket on top of the soft green grass then collapsed upon it. I had a book in my lap, and from it, I read aloud. He's been gone since 2005, but I still like to visit him. I still like to plan little dates with him. And as far as I know, he loves it when I read to him. But I think maybe he just likes when I visit.

He's the very best listener. I threw the book aside and just started talking to him. And before I knew it, I felt little droplets of water on my legs. Some of them were from the sky, but some of them were from my eyes. Today is a really hard day.

I am so grateful for the love I have in my life. I'm so grateful for supportive friends. I'm so grateful that no matter what I'm going through, I don't have to endure any of it alone. I don't know where on earth I'd be if I didn't have them.

Stop. Breathe. Cry if you must.

The sky was several different and wonderful shades of blue and grey tonight.

The sun was light yellow and lit up the slightly darkened and overcast sky.

A sweet country song was on the radio.

The air was warm.

I was happy.

So happy.

I slowed down.

I smiled and cried.

Life isn't perfect, but it is lovely.

live anyway

Hello dear friends.

I just want to let you know...that I am so happy.

Everything in my life has been getting better as of lately.

And it's so refreshing.

When I realize how much I am loved, and how much life has in store for me...man. It feels nice.

The 'elephants' get off of my shoulders.

And the smile never goes away.

Goodness guys,  something has got to be wrong with me!

And by wrong...I mean completely right.

When we endure the hard times life turns out to be absolutely beautiful. 


Keep on keepin' on.

spill

The impurities of inspiration.
There are times when I feel I might lose my life to inspiration.

There are times when I feel I may drown in shallow water
due to afflictions directly related to slowly becoming utterly uninspired.

I'm incredibly inspired at all the wrong times, or about the wrong things.

Like the way I get blisters from shoes I've worn for years,
like suddenly I walk differently than I did before.
Like they're really not my shoes at all.
Like the person who wore them before weighed on their toes and not their heels, they way I do.

Some days it's as though every pair of shoes I own is secondhand and the print inside isn't mine and never was.
I force myself to walk in these shoes, miles, to prove they're mine, to prove this is me.
And as I walk I can feel the blisters forming, but I press on, determined,
even when the skin has broken and each step I take burns a little more than the last.

And when I remove each shoe I know it's my blood that stains the fabric.
And in this way, I've marked them
and they are mine.

living dead

But I'm alive.

These quiet breezes sting my eyes.
I can see the trees, dancing back and forth.
I can hear them whisper.

I've changed,
over and over again.

And I find myself wishing I could go back
to the way I was.

but then, I can't decide which version of myself I would rather be.
they all have ugly faults,
some of them have redeeming qualities.

I try to pinpoint exactly when one version of me became another,
but it may be impossible.

The changes seem so clear, so stark that they must have happened as abruptly as they feel now.

I won't stay but I can't leave.

These other versions, they're with me, on either side at all times.
Somedays I do my best to keep their heads under water.
My arms aren't long enough, not strong enough.
Their heads bob up and down, sometimes breaking the surface in tremulous water.
They blink, and stare,
and blink again.
They blink me into oblivion and my skin crawls away.
But I tell myself that I'm in charge.

I get the urge to let them all go, let them drift away until they're only specks on the horizon,
until I can't seem them at all,
until I can no longer recall their faces, their hair floating limply in the water,
until I can't remember them at all.

But I didn't,
I haven't.
They're still here, speaking their minds,
words that reach me as pockets of air, bursting on the water's face.
words that make my ears ring endlessly.

I could let them go, but then who would I be?
How would I remember?

If only I could undo them, take them apart and disentangle the parts I never wanted
to be left with only the best parts.

But then, which parts are those?
They all look so similar,
How could I?
I can't.
If I made a mistake, I could ruin it all.
But I can't choose, I can't tell.

I can't stay, but I won't leave.

Sometimes all I want

is someone to walk with me
someone to look at me, for just a second
to say my name and look at my face.

The bad thing about always walking in the same place is remembering.
The way my shadow hits the ground is the same as it did then
but instead of looking up to find a friend at the end of the sidewalk
I only find the other side of the road.

Sometimes it seems so much more beautiful, so much more compelling
to walk in the middle of the road, right down the center,
rather than on the sidewalk.
The path always seems straighter, and the lights from approaching cars seem to sing in the dusk light.
If I could stay there I would,
but I won't.

Sometimes all I want is to hear footsteps beside me, in time with mine,
to distract me from passing cars.

Sometimes all I want is for someone to ask me one question and really be listening for the answer.

Sometimes all I want is a presence,
a real one.

you should have seen it in color

A pictures worth a thousand words

but you cant see what those shades of grey keep covered.

And if it looks like we were scared to death

like a couple of kids just tryin' to save each other..

You should have seen it in color. 

Love

I've learned that I just don't have control over the situations and circumstances that are a part of my life. But I do have control over my attitude. And my attitude is what determines my quality of life. No matter what point in life we may be at, there will always be something going on that will make things difficult. But with every trial we are given, we are given more than enough blessings to make up for it.

I think the greatest blessing of all is the ability to love and to be loved. My life is full of people who I can offer my love to. And I can honestly say that love is the one thing that can give me the strength to make it through any situation. I love my son. I love my family. I love my friends. I love the little old man who walks his dog past my house every night. I love people. No matter who they may be. And you know what? I love life.

Phillip Phillips

Lately I've been kept up at night.

Worrying.

Thinking about all the possibilities and things that could go wrong in my life.

Why?

I have no idea.

So on nights when i'm kept awake with these perverse thoughts,

I have playlists like this to calm my nerves.

To help me float:

Music is my remedy. 

what's left of right

Life is full of decisions. Whether you know it or not, you’re making them every day: everything from how many times to hit the snooze button, to the type of creamer you’re going to put in your coffee, to the time you decide to go to bed.

These don’t seem like decisions, however, because most often when someone refers to a “decision” it’s because it’s a pretty big deal (and you know, worth talking about, because no one else really cares how many times you hit snooze yesterday).

It’s the big decisions, those that have the ability to change the course of our life, that stand out most. They take time and energy to make. Knowing a decision has the potential to change your life, there may even be rounds of deliberation with friends to help solidify your thoughts.

What I’ve found, though, is that often, whether people know it or not, these seemingly tough decisions really aren’t all that hard to make – it’s the action to move forward with the decision that becomes the challenge. When I speak with friends who want advice, by the time they get to me, I can usually tell that they’ve already made up their mind but are simply having a hard time taking that first step in the right direction. It’s like they have come to a fork in the road, know they want to veer left, but it’s such a different path than the one they were just on, they need to stop and reflect before they can proceed.

When I see this happen with others, I truly appreciate the process they’re going through. I’ve been there myself on a number of occasions, and the theme tends to be the same: decision time, gut tells you one thing, head may or may not tell you another, you know to follow your gut and a period of waiting happens – whether mere minutes or even months – there’s typically a period of hesitation when it comes to acting…especially if your decision impacts other people.

I have learned that sometimes you can’t follow logic, you can’t make a decision based on what the butterflies in your stomach are telling you. Rather, decisions based on a feeling, a sense that this is just something you should do, often ends up being the right path. The truth is, whatever road you travel, there will be positive and negative outcomes along the way – that’s just called life. The real challenge is making the choice to focus on the positive, find the good in the bad, learn from the hardships and apply those to the rest of your life so you can truly live the life you’ve always dreamed.

Still stuck on a tough decision? I can promise you the answer isn’t in that self-help book, it’s not what your friends or family think is best, it’s what your gut is telling you. Quiet your mind, find a place to be alone and really listen – you’ll find the answer, and the strength to make all your dreams come true. Have patience with yourself, take the time you need and act. In the end, the path to the left isn’t all that scary after all.

these nights

they drive me to blinking without end.

I blink until I don't remember.

my eyelids start to click as they open and close

and I wonder how I made it through these nights the last time.

I think 

and think again

trying to remember 

how I made it through these nights the last time.

with my window open I can feel the haze,

this thick summer night, it pins me down

it tells me what to say.

I'm listening carefully.

          

at least...

 I think I am.

sometimes, late at night, I stare into the darkness 

until I can't remember if my eyes are really open at all.

I stare and stare, searching,

 willing my eyes to see something,

anything.

sometimes in these nights,

when I stare

I'm afraid that I might really see something.

out from the darkness, from the obscurity,
but more times I'm afraid that I won't see anything.

anything at all.

balance

Self-awareness is one of those things that can be rather challenging to achieve. No one likes to admit, even to themselves, when their behavior isn’t up to snuff. It’s just easier to stay blind to it. On the flip side of that, people often have trouble realizing the positive aspects of their personalities and the good they bring to the world. Being self-aware requires you to take a critical look at yourself and the impact you have on the world around you. It’s also something that can come and go, so once you’re actually there, it takes quite a bit of mental discipline to keep it.

I’ve been lucky (lucky?) in my life to have experiences, both positive and negative, that have allowed me periods of acute self-awareness. I still struggle with some of the success moments – it’s just not in my nature to be all “I’m the shit.” But what I find beneficial, difficult as it may be sometimes, is that I’m able to take a look at myself and course correct so that my behaviors don’t negatively impact those in my life – at least that’s the hope.

I’m someone who regularly struggles with unnecessary guilt. The people in my life mean everything to me and the last thing I want is for anyone to feel less than 100% amazing 100% of the time. So even when events out of my control cause them pain or struggles, I tend to feel as if I could have done something to make their experiences more pleasant.

I foresee myself always wanting to make sure the people around me are happy and content – it’s just part of my nature, and honestly something I take a bit of pride in. That said, I realized recently the impact that some of my behaviors were having on people I truly care about. It wasn’t easy to come to terms with the fact that by doing the things that I needed in my life, I was unintentionally hurting those around me. “Hurting” might be a bit of a strong term – it’s more like I wasn’t giving all of myself the way that I prefer. I am struggling with a balance between ensuring that I get everything I need for my own mental well-being and giving enough of myself to support the people in my life.

Needless to say, I’ve been failing at that as of late. I’ve been selfish. I don’t like being selfish – not for one second. But I also realize that sometimes, I need to be. It’s that delicate balance that I’ve yet to quite figure out. I’m just thankful I’m capable of taking a critical look inward to realize the issues so at least I can acknowledge them and head down the path of figuring out how to make it all work.

why i write

A question was posed to me this weekend that got me to thinking about my nature as a “writer”. The question was related to how I blog – not so much why, but the method behind it. 

There’s not much of a filter between my brain and my fingers when it comes to writing. I typically sit down with a topic in mind and in a matter of 5 to 10 minutes pound out a post and hit publish. It’s not all that methodical.

If I have a random thought when I’m not at my computer that seems like it’ll be a good post, I’ll usually write it down and it may or may not become an actual post, depending on how fleeting the idea. The number of unfinished drafts in Microsoft Word is quite disgusting actually, but sometimes there just isn’t enough to say on a random thought and it turns out that it’s not worth posting about at that time anyway. Or, it may just become a Facebook status. You just have to go with it.

Writing has always been one of my outlets. It’s something I do for myself – which makes blogging easier because I’m not always focused on the end result, I’m not worried about what my audience will think. Sorry guys, much as I love y’all and the feedback I get, I’m also in this for myself. Truth is, you make a choice to be here, reading these words. If I think too much about how I come across then my voice will get lost amongst the clearly over thought language.

I’m not one for writing with a plan. I’m not getting paid to be here, so I run this show how I see fit – usually by the seat of my pants. That’s the way I write best, spur of the moment while the thoughts are not only fresh, but often still formulating in my head. There’s nothing quite like hearing (or in this case, reading) genuine thought as they’re occurring.

You can’t over think writing, you just have to write. That’s when you get to hear the author’s genuine voice and get a little peek into their soul.

That said, I do my fair share of editing. After all, my brain and fingers don’t always align with things like spelling or grammar. The best method is to write, step away for 5 or 10 minutes, read it bottom to top and correct any errors. You’re more likely to catch them when you’re not reading what you just wrote in the order you wrote it – your brain will likely see what it wants to see in that case and you’ll miss corrections – plus it allows you to keep the flow of the writing and not second-guess what you’re putting out there. Well, at least that’s the case for me.

They didn't say it would be easy. They promised it would be worth it.

I feel like this goes without saying, but  I’ve encountered a few people in my life who act as if the world owes them. 

Let me explain.

Some people go through life and it’s relatively easy – they have things handed to them, they don’t have to jump through the same hoops that others have to (for one reason or another) – all in all, they’re skating by because life has always been just a bit too easy.

Then one day, it’s not. One day, they wake up and have to work for what they want, and it’s appalling. Can’t say I’d blame anyone for being shocked when the life has been served to them on a silver platter suddenly takes a turn, but I do wish they’d take a step back for a second and look at where they are and how they got there.

(Editor’s Note – I’m not talking about life-changing events such as serious injury, illness, or another situation that completely turns a person’s world on end. My reference here is to stumbles in the road that we all encounter from time to time such as issues at work, disagreements with family and friends, things of that nature. I’m not here to judge – especially those who have encountered devastation in their lives – only to offer up a bit of advice from my experiences.)

Life isn’t always easy. Sure, I’ve had my fair share of pain-free moments that should have been much more of a struggle, but then again, I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am in life so far. I’m proud of that, as should anyone else who has put forth significant effort to get where they are in their career, their families, or whatever else is driving their lives. It speaks to character.

But the fact is, walking around, bitching about the circumstances that aren’t ideal, complaining that your life isn’t going the way you’d like it to because of the environment around you, essentially blaming everyone and everything for you “misfortunes,” isn’t doing you any good either. If you don’t like something, change it. If someone or something is holding you back, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the role that person, place or thing plays in your life. If it’s worth it, fight to keep it. If it’s not, figure out what is and insert that into your life. Take action other than sitting around complaining that you haven’t, you can’t, you won’t because the current situation isn’t exactly as you envisioned. Of course, this type of change typically doesn’t happen over night, either, so have a little patience with yourself and your positive outlook – it’s not always easy, but it will pay off in the end.

So for those of you out there who are coming across your first stumbles in the road of life, pick yourself up and face the challenge head on. I can promise you, in the end, it’s not as hard as you might think, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll learn something valuable along the way.

You're barely waking and im tangled up in you.

The light is bright, white, but it feels golden. It's slipping in from the window above filling this room extracting the last bit of night as it consumes the space. The day pours over your skin, lighting the places I held onto in the dark. My eyes follow a curve to your shoulder and I can see each and every one of your freckles. I never noticed how dark they are. Brown, deep, here to stay. They cover you. They seem to speak, to tell bits of your story. I try to memorize them before they write any more. I hope they can give these moments justice. Full chapters. As you turn from your side to your back I watch how your chest rises and falls with your breath, steady. You're so solid in your sleep. Eyes tight. Quiet. Sure. So sure. I wish you could see it. I like you like this, dancing between asleep and awake, resisting the day. Right here. Right next to me. Here, your equal parts true and how only I can see you. Its secret.  It's mine.  I resist too. I hate to say goodbye to the night, but in this brief moment, here, in the first light, makes the day okay.