wet pavement.

the eager foreignness of it all is both exhilarating and penetrating.
trying to find where it all fits amungst the twisting and placing.
the rain on the pavement
the overused tires
I try to uncover the meaning but it's useless.
just like some people see these storms.
and overlook the lightening 
and forget to hear the thunder.
just like they pretend to understand it all.
with the nonstop engines
the unsaid words.
throw a penny into a pond and it'll instantly blend in.
it'll instantly put on the image it's supposed to,
because it'll be seen that way whether it chooses to or not.
no matter what.
but maybe that's just a useless metaphor and I should be vulnerable.
and admit I don't have a clue how to be a penny
and I won't pretend to be one either.

Life and it's frailties.

There are constant reminders surrounding us daily of the fragility of life. I'll admit that I am the there's no milk for my cereal; FML, self absorbed type of person that it usually take a tornado, hurricane, or someone I know personally to be faced with something terminal in order for that concept to really reach home. 

As good, funny, or atrocious things usually do, I ran across something going viral on the book of faces (facebook, ya get it?) the other day. I started watching. The length was a lil daunting (23 min? Really? Surely there is some important pint of ice cream begging to be eaten that I could use this time assisting.) But alas, I was glued. The message was beautiful, the person was even more so. 

Ya know what gets me the most about death? 

I can't help but think after every passing day, woah... yesterday that person was alive... 2 days ago that person was checking their Facebook... a week ago that person was eating dinner with their family.... It is just so surreal to me. What were their last thoughts? Did they know it was coming? Did they get to say goodbye? Who did they leave behind to survive the Hell that is life without them? 

And then I get sad; sad thinking about the nightmare their loved ones are currently going through. Sometimes I even cry on their behalf. We'll blame the birth control for that impulse.

Here's the video I ran across. If you have 22 minutes, you can share the sweet, gratitude filled, empathetic, whyyyy-are-the-good-the-first-to-go?! experience that I had.

 As for me, I think I will pray for Grace.

asking too much.

I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you.Tell me about a day in your life you wouldn’t think you’d live through. Tell me what the word home means to you. And tell me in a way that I’ll know your mother’s name just by the way you describe your bedroom when you were 8. See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in bellies of snow?
And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms?

Or would you leave your snowman arm-less for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you would, would you notice how the tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek? Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep besides them when they’re sad, even if that makes your lover mad? Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away it's pain? See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mother’s joy when she spoke it for the very first time. I want you to tell me all the ways you’ve been unkind.Tell me all the ways you’ve been cruel. I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you’re feeling good. I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day you’re feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a piece of lousy glass. If you ever reach enlightenment, would you remember how to laugh? Have you ever been a song? See, I wanna know more that what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people’s wounds. And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon that if you wanted you could pop – but you never would because you’d never want it to stop.

If a tree fell in the forest, and you were the only one there to hear it, if it’s fall to the ground didn’t make a sound, would you panic in fear that you didn’t exist or would you just bask in the bliss of your nothingness?

a way out

Today I needed a prompt for my blog because once an emotion has consumed you completely, sometimes it becomes your only inspiration and I don't want to sit here complaining about how upset I am. I'd rather not upset you all too. My prompt for today is a picture, which I shall write a small story about. I hope you enjoy it, dear reader. Although you may believe I haven't shared a lot in the posts I have written, I have shared more with you than than I ever thought possible, and I hope you understand how much thought I put into each post. 

The higher up I am, the happier I am. Down on the ground I am surrounded by giants; people are taller than me and more important, buildings tower over me and the sea seems to be a vast emptiness I am afraid of. Everything seems to press me down further into dirt and grit, pushing and pushing until I am completely submerged in the earth and not even the top of my head can be seen. I suffocate, down on the ground. I am nobody, just another speck of dust floating in the sunlight, blown away with the slightest, silent sigh.

When i'm sat up high on the rocky hills which not many are brave enough to trek up, the world is suddenly mine. I can grasp at building and boats, or delete them from existence by covering them with my hand. People are like ants, the sea can be poured mug of tea; the sky is the only thing which goes on forever however it is so clear and calming that I almost want to jump up and join the few lonely birds, flying so high the ground no longer exists.

You should see it at night. The buildings become stars, glittering and flickering as young children turn on their bedside lights and begin to read fairy tales. The stars in the sky become jealous, and they battle it out for hours until the buildings give up and go dark again. But, whilst they are ablaze, the sea sparkles and you can just about make out the waves, still drifting towards the shore, tickling it gently, then drifting back to repeat the process.

The best bit is they can't see me. Nobody can. Not my family, nor my friends, nor the buildings or the sea or anything but the birds which promise to fly with me someday. The ground may consume me on occasion, but I will always make it out and I will one day touch that crystal clear sky above my head. For now, I shall pour myself a cup of tea, using the sea as my water, and pick up the people by their collars and use them as spoons to stir my drink. The sand can be the sugar which dissolves so quickly it was almost as if it was never there. And after a few thousand mugs of tea, the ground below will be empty. I will have consumed it all and all that will be left for me is the sky.

That was quite possibly the oddest thing I have ever written, but I hope in some odd way you have enjoyed it and can perhaps see the message behind my story. Though a simple one, it fits in with my life right now. No matter how hard life gets, or how much you feel swallowed up my the ground below, there will always be the sky to look up to and aim for and there will always be a way out.

chase the light.

She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.

                                     It's easier to feel the sunlight without them, she said. 

epiphany

How do i know what i want to do with my life if i don't even know who i am yet?

Because i have no idea who i am.

That may seem strange, but i still feel like i need to discover myself, find myself, be myself.

And i think the only way to know who i am is to be alone, with just my thoughts, somewhere different, somewhere strange.

And that is my epiphany.

i want to travel.

i want new cities and people and languages.

i want unfamiliar cultures and foods and ways of life.

i want to get on the first plane to anywhere and make my way from there.

i don't want to just see things; i don't want to hop on a place to the city i'm visiting, take a taxi to my hotel and take a walk to the attractions and then just leave, i want to explore everything about the places i go - i'd rather walk and go by car or bus or train to Cairo than take a plane and see the pyramids for a few days and fly back out again.

i want strangers and hostels and budgets and distance and freedom and food where i can get it.

i don't want pre-booked expensive hotels and ready made plans and schedules.

i want to live.

i want to experience the thrill of looking at a map and making a split decisions of where to set off to next, pointing in a direction and heading off with no solid purpose.

i want to escape and focus on nothing but where my next step will take me.

i want a trip that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

i want to run away and never look back, to experience something beyond the mediocrity of everyday that people seem to just accept without question.

wouldn't it be nice to just up and go?

to leave a brief message explaining where you went, but no details for contact and just pack a backpack and flee.

to hitchhike and bus and train your away around the world.

i want to meet people for a few brief seconds, exchange only a few words but keep them forever in my memory.

i want to meet people and maybe spend time with them, travel with them and make friendships that will never be broken.

i want to make those kind of bonds, i want to have people from all over the world etched in my mind forever.

and at the same time, to have no ties to anyone, to just be alone, with your own thoughts.

that's how i think people discover themselves, that's how people find out who they really are; to have no one but yourself to rely on and maybe sometimes the kindness of strangers.

there's no better way of finding yourself.

i don't want to be a tourist, i want to be a traveler.

and back we are to my epiphany moment, because this is exactly what i want to do.

how can you not know yourself after so many weeks and months of travelling and escaping?

and spending that much time away from home, away from everything you know and experiencing a new side to life and doing all these new things and seeing and tasting and hearing unfamiliar things, it would be impossible not to find a calling in life.

when you've experienced that much, how can you not find something that appeals to you?

a true smile a day keeps the doctor away.

A true smile.

Definition: A smile which, when smiled, has the power to light up someone's whole life, and in that brief, shining moment, nothing is wrong. Your entire existence is like an explosion of fireworks, like bubbles sparking, floating in the sun, and for that one glorious moment, you are truly, unconditionally, boundlessly happy.

As I sit on the soft, luscious grass at the Battlefield, my laptop screen glaring into my eyes, my cheek caressed by the soft, balmy breeze and the unhurried melodies of the birds drifting down my ear, my son laughing and running and happy, one of those rare, true smiles creep across my lips and lift the corners of my mouth into a wide grin, and I can't help but notice how often we let one of these moments pass us by.

So, even though summer is well and truly here, I am making myself a summer vow. One true smile everyday. It can't be that hard. It isn't that hard, as long as we take the time and look for one.

A true smile like when you just happen to glance out of your open window before bed, and then stop and gaze, entranced, at the clearest night sky you've ever seen, and how the stars don't wink, or twinkle, but they sing for you, the smile for you, a million symphonies all shining down at once, but it's all silent, the night is silent, because this is not a song to be heard, they sing to your eyes, a song that you can see in full splendor, and when you finally turn your head back down to the ground, you carry on smiling, because in that moment, you know you are the only person to have seen the stars sing.

True smiles aren't hard to find, as long as you know how to look.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

 This line strikes me as so profound and dripping in rich meaning, that it truly made me stop everything I was doing last night to ponder how that sentence affected me.

For many of us, love comes with terms and conditions.  That is the  way we first experienced love and that is what we have come to accept.  But those terms and conditions, like any contract, can be revoked, altered and enhanced to change the experiences we have in our lives.  We do not need to settle for anything less than the love we crave and the love we truly deserve, not just what we have come to expect.  We are the makers of our own destiny and only we can know if we are being loved the way we truly want to be loved.

Even Yoda gets it – there is no try, only do.  If I really think about it the subject line of this post, a very powerful sentence, had been hiding in the recesses of my brain for some time. I have written my parameters on how I deserve to be loved, and nothing is going to sway that decision.  There are no exceptions to the rules.  There is no room for discussion.  And the fundamental principle is simple – love me not because you can live with me, but because you can't imagine life being quite the same without me.  (Trite, but true)

Each of us is deserving of an all-encompassing love – one that sometimes seems to stifle us because the emotion is so overwhelming, but we could not possibly live our lives without.  It may be your spouse, your children, your friends or your family but regardless of where that feeling comes from, know that you truly deserve to be loved on your terms and not just theirs.   Don’t just accept what is offered – if you think you are worthy of more, demand more.

This last year I’ve spent days staring up at the sky, buried in the grass; happy. I’ve also spent many days and nights staring into nothing, buried in my thoughts; lost.

As I speak for myself, I’m sure I speak for many; sometimes giving someone your everything doesn’t seem like enough. We ask ourselves, why hasn’t this been working? Or, what am I not doing right? We find ourselves in a vicious cycle. Why do some stay in unhealthy relationships? Why do some reject those who love them? Why are some so lucky? Why, why. why.

The truth of it is simple: we truly do accept the love we think we deserve.

The way we are treated is dictated by ourselves, not others. If you don’t think you deserve to be treated the way you are, the only thing keeping you from walking away, is yourself. The real authority for change, is you. We’re sad when we think we have the right to be sad. We’re angry when we think we have the right to be angry. So why don’t we love, when we think we have the right to be loved?

We are imperfect beings, we are human. But our imperfections are neither reasons to stay, nor leave. We can always do better for others, and for ourselves; your choice is whether the trials pave a road worth traveling.

Allow those around you to love you, & love on those who surround you; don’t settle for less, & don’t cut yourself short- Because at the end of the day, the love we accept is the love we think we deserve.

But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works.

How do you carry such grace when all you are is falling apart? 

How do you float instead of plummet? 

How do you land soft and make not a sound as you look up at the branches you love and cannot quite reach? How do you carry that grace with you, in you, when everything is blowing away, and will you teach me how?