complexity

This life is a crazy thing. Simple as that. It is a big world with things that are unstable and constantly shifting. Part of me thinks that is terrifying, the other part of me find complete excitement in that. It's fun to sit here and dream about how I think my future will turn out. It's exciting to think about going to college...living on my own... meeting that special someone...falling in love...starting a new life. But it is just as terrifying to think of all the what if's and to think about the unknown.

I guess that my problem is is that I like stability. I like knowing things that are for sure. Things that are solid. Because I have a hard time with losing things..and people. I don't like feeling stressed and at loss, I just don't. So when things are for sure life is just easier for me. But I know that that isn't how life always is. 

I want to be the girl who is carefree and doesn't worry about things. I want to always be the girl that doesn't care about what others say. I want to be the girl who isn't always thinking of the bigger picture. I want to be the girl who is living in the now and not worrying about the future. 

And, sometimes I am. Sometimes that is me. But not always. Because I am not completely stable myself. I go from one thought process to the next. One outlook to the next. One thought and dream to the next. Because that is life. Life is unknown. Life is an adventure. And I guess I wouldn't want to have it any other way...but it's sometimes hard to think of it like that. Sometimes it's easier to just want something solid. To have every single detail planned out...but I always have to remember is that life will turn out the way it is supposed to be.  My future will be something that is completely different than what I think it will be right now. Because if I already knew everything that is going to happen...I probably wouldn't want that life to come true.

Because I wanna create the life that I want to have. I want to let happy and sad things happen and make the best of it all. I want to be surprised. And excited. And challenged. I want to live.

just the way you are.

Lately I've been thinking about this a lot, so now it is time to share.
I absolutely love it when people are themselves.
I find it so extremely attractive when you just know that that person knows who they are and what they like.
I love when someone can just say what they want to say and not worry about others.
I love when someone can feel comfortable in their own skin because they are done pretending to be someone else.
I love when someone can find out who they are and just be that person.
Obviously nothing is constant and we all have our days when we slip up and have to rediscover ourselves and why we are the way we are...but the difference is trying to find that person.
We live in a world where a certain look is set up for us to strive to be like.
We are surrounded by so much media and so it's easy to see someone and be like oh I want to be like them... or I want to look like that... 
And being human, that's natural.
But at the same time, we are all so entirely different.
We all have our own likes and desires.
Our own wants and dreams.
Certain things that make us swoon, and certain things that just tick us off.
We are all individuals.
And I think that that is something that is so lovely. So genuine. 
Knowing that you are you and no one else can be you as good as you can.
I think it is so important for people to accept themselves and be happy with who they are.
If something about yourself doesn't make you the happiest person you can be, do what you can to improve that, but don't solely focus on that.
That part of you may be something that someone absolutely adores about you.
Focus on the things you like about yourself.
Focus on the things that make you you.
We are all not perfect...and I think that many times we set certain people up on pedestals and forget that they too have flaws and things that they would want to change about themselves.
We all have a story and have been through certain things that shape us and mold us into different stages of life.
But in the end, we are all  in the same boat for the fact that we are all striving for happiness and none of us have life completely understood.

Hello, welcome to my brain.

it's all happened for a reason.

the reason.

the reason.

sometimes it's unknown.

sometimes it's d i s c o v e r e d.

sometimes we just pretend like we know the answers to make us feel slightly less distorted.

when we really don't have a clue.

because life is endless.

life is t i m e l e s s.

but life isn't expected.

never.

so we try to find the answers and we try to understand why.

but maybe there just isn't even a reason.

maybe life just happens.

so we can learn and grow and feel every emotion there is to feel.

so we can understand others.

help them along the way.

have them learn from our mistakes as we continually make more.

e x p e r i e n c e.

that's important.

sometimes hard yet sometimes rewarding.

just depends.

everything just depends.

life just depends.

like that one time we almost were, and then we weren't.

because no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't shake that feeling.

the feeling of no.

the feeling of run.

so I did.

and I n e v e r looked back.

and I know you may never understand, but I do.

but you probably have a bunch of different theories as to why, and so do I, but I know they are completely different.

I ran.

because I'm good at that.

and because all the signs told me this path e n d e d.

and to this day I don't wonder "what if.."

no, i'm solid.

and then there is you.

you.

breath of fresh air.

something new.

something complex.

something that makes me nervous and curious and I strive to solve you.

you were unexpected.

v e r y v e r y v e r y.

but i'm okay with that.

one hundred percent okay.

and i'm okay with life.

most of the time.

or at least, eventually i end up that way.

content.

but contentness isn't always content.

because again, this is life.

and sometimes it's just , i n d e s c r i b a b l e.

kiss me stupid

Kiss me stupid.

That’s what I was thinking as we sat there. Just kiss me, kiss me stupid.

Much to my surprise that’s just what you did.

When your lips touched mine, my mind exploded, and left me senseless.

You kissed me, kissed me stupid indeed.

My words escaped me, and my heart was fluttering so loud I was sure you could hear.

My head and heart were full, but incapable of saying anything because when I opened my mouth to speak, the words escaped me again and again. But one thing I knew for sure, I was happy. 

So happy that I kissed you again.

Truth is, it was golden, golden and liberating.

Score.

words escape me

I have a confession, a surprising secret that's dying to come out.

As incredulous as it sounds, I was once a talented writer.

But for some unknown reason I've been stripped of all talent i once had.

Some call it writers block.

But its not that simple.

Its so much more than the mere absence of things to say.

In reality there is so much occupying my mind, so many endless thoughts, ideas and feelings that are practically bursting the metaphorical dam in my brain, trying to escape the continual ocean of thoughts my mind has morphed into. But every time i try to write, to express the words that go on haunting and plaguing my head, the words that are on the tip of my tongue and on the edge of my fingers, suddenly disappear without so much as a trace.

Its like the words that have been inscribed onto the whiteboard of my mind are written in magically disappearing marker, that disappears before I can erase it myself. Maybe deep inside, i'm secretly afraid of what my fingers will say, and what secrets will be spilled onto the pages of confession, scrawled aimlessly for the world to see. I'm a prisoner ensnared by my own subconscious's unyielding stubbornness to let me pour out my heart onto paper.

I have a frog in my throat and thimbles on my fingers.

Maybe its because something has changed.

Maybe that something is me.

For as long as I can remember I've been the girl that spills her secrets to find comfort, that eagerly tells whats secretly eating away at her in order to feel okay.

But that girl is gone.

She disappeared, and with her, her ability to write from the heart.

One day, after going so long without finding consolation in sharing with some one, I got comfortable in the silence.The change was so slight, it was untraceable, i continued internalizing my thoughts. Even now I cannot help but bury my feelings, troubles and dreams under such unrelenting darkness that no matter how bright the sun shines, they cannot be illuminated. Where I once found relief in sharing, a uncontrollable need to keep my thoughts to myself, to hide them as if they are precious and rare jewels that should be protected, has grown.

Now, every time I try to write, to escape the demons that reign in my head, my words come out as empty, lifeless shells of the words and expressions that once ruled these pages. I've been robbed of my former ability to regain my mental control and freedom but sharing my secrets and thoughts through the written word.

What happened to me?

Bucket list

The Bucket List

1. Fall in love and get married.

2. become a mommy.

3. graduate college

4. start a wedding magazine collection.

5. travel outside of America.

6. build a tree house, and carve my name + his name, into the same tree.

7. plant a garden.

8. take up sewing.

9. get floor seats to a concert.

10. go backstage at a concert.

11. visit ground zero in NYC.

12. Stand in Times Square holding a "free hugs" sign.

13. go skinny dipping.

14. be on the kissing cam at a sporting event.

15. ride the biggest, fastest, tallest, longest, most insane rollercoaster in the world.

16. get to the point where i don't care what others think of me.

17. stop people who are gossiping.

18. camp out on the beach.

19. go skydiving.

20. go scuba diving.

21. go snorkling on a coral reef.

22. surf in Australia

23. go rock climbing.

24. hold a tarantula.

25. ride an elephant.

26. pet a giraffe.

27. visit Europe.

28. ride in a hot air balloon.

29. Hunt for the Jersey Devil

30. go cage diving.

31. Donate blood.

32. have a photo shoot 

33. rake a pile of leaves and jump into it.

34. go on a blind date.

35. own a really expensive camera.

36. become a true viking.

37. go on a shopping spree without a budget and feel no guilt

38. Go to Disney World.

39. ride in a helicopter.

40.  throw a dart at a map and travel to where ever it lands.

41. visit Elvis Presley's grave.

42. kiss under the mistletoe.

43. have a dance party in the pouring rain.

44. send a message in a bottle.

45. inspire someone.

45. visit Salem on Halloween

46.. ride in a firetruck.

47. donate to charity.

48. Visit all 50 states.

49. Collect every book Dr. Seuss has written.

50. donate a kidney.

51. learn more about photography.

52. see a play on Broadway in New York City.

53. ride in a submarine.

54. overcome a fear.

55. have a baby without the epidural.

56. go on an African Safari.

57. catch a firefly.

58. Volunteer at a soup kitchen

59. Ride the London Eye.

60. Buy a pair of legit Raybans.

61. Kiss the Blarney Stone in Ireland.

62. Visit every continent.

63. Have two cats named Minerva and Binx.

When you come close to selling out, reconsider.

I feel the need to share.

I wouldn't change the things i went through for anything. I feel so blessed to have the people in my life that i do. How blessed i am to be breathing. To have so many people that love me and so many people to love. It makes me wanna be friends with everyone. Everyone out there. I have the greatest friends on earth but i want to share them with other people who can be just as great. I'm making it a goal right now. To make at least 1 new friend every week. I'm gonna do it, no matter what they say.

swoon

It's kind of funny how appropriate this word is for me.
considering a) It's my favorite. b) I probably act upon it more than I say it. and I say it a lot. (for obvious reasons). and c) because it rhymes with spoon, duh.

It's like the sound of a sigh. The motion of a sigh. The meaning behind a sigh. Sighing, but spelled out in an alphabetical arrangement. You know when ever you watch Pride and Prejudice, and in the sweet whispers from Mr. Darcy "you have bewitched me body and soul, and i love, i love, i love you. and i never wish to be parted from you from this day on."  
(yes, i did recently watch it..yes, i did swoon.)

Inside your brain. Inside every  hormone. Inside every fragment of your body that makes that high pitched squeal..You know the feeling. The feeling when a charming young man smiles or walks towards you, or brushes a piece of hair away from your face. Or simply holds your hand. You embrace every moment. You take a deep breath, and then you utter a sigh from your mouth and a swoon from every other part of your body. From every part of you. You fall into a swoon.

I thrive off of these moments.
I thrive off of falling.




And that would be life for me at the moment, folks. Right there.
Nothing but a bunch of fainting from extreme emotion.
For silly silly reasons that even I can't describe.

I have myself convinced.

Sometimes I wonder what it was like back in time. Back when, back then.You had to load your camera with film and attach your flash.You'd take pictures of a colorful world and colorful things, but the photograph would still come out colorless. We'd wear dresses everyday with cherry red lips, and ladylike class. Gentlemen would kiss you cause they meant it. We spent our spare times lost in a book or writing hand written letters.

Sometimes I wish could go back in time. Back when, back then. The ending of the war when the Navy Seals fled from their docks to find a random gal to kiss right on the mouth.A perfect first kiss. And an even better last first kiss. Not many can say they've kissed one boy their whole life, or married a Navy Seal. But even less can say they traveled the sea for one simple belief, with everything they've ever owned in one silly suitcase.

Sometimes I wish I could go back. Back when, back then. We had to use candles to light a room.To watch history be made and the birth of literature. Before political parties. Before the world turned so complicated.

Sometimes, I think I might be 128 years old at heart. Sometimes,I have myself convinced, I was born in the wrong time era.

pet peeves

When people misuse the word "literally."  I doubt you "literally wet your pants" when you saw that spider. The misuse of the word literally makes me figuratively insane. 

When people smack their lips too often while speaking/chewing. It's kind of a gross sound. And I bet you just smacked your lips to see for yourself how gross it is... or you will, and now that you're thinking about it, you can't resist the temptation.

When people say "uuummm" and "uuuhhh" between every few words. Let's see, maybe you should fill those gaps up with... what was it again? Oh yes. Real words. 

When you are conversing with someone and they won't make eye contact with you.Maybe it's just me, but I thought eye contact was common courtesy while talking with someone, even if it's a quick "how was your day?" It shows that you actually care about what they have to say, or that you at least are listening. I don't mean people need to stare into each other's eyes while they are talking, but eye contact in general seems to be a disintegrating courtesy in our generation.

Political extremists. Overly dramatic, self-righteous, easily offended, extreme liberals. Boastful, equally self-righteous, insensitive, extreme conservatives. We get it. You're better than everyone else in the world, and everybody needs to think the way you do. You can stand for what you believe in without screaming it in my ear. Whatever, go ahead and endlessly battle until everyone agrees with you. Meanwhile, we the people of the less-extreme political views from both sides will have our big group hug, and you don't get to join until you use your indoor voice. So... there. :)

When people obviously exaggerate illnesses or injuries for attention. Then again, I think we all share that pet peeve. And we all did it a few times during our childhood. Guilty.

Ready, set, go!

I have a challenge for all of you.

And you better do it! You won't regret it.

I want you to pick one of the following:

1. Try developing a talent or hobby you've always wanted to try, but always had an excuse not to.

2. Pick back up an old hobby or talent that you "don't have time for" (or any other reason that you stopped) and make it work.

3. Find something new to try that you never really thought of before, and go for it.

I picked #2. Yes! I am finally getting back into drawing and writing. It has been one of my loves since childhood that I gave up when I thought my time was being wasted. But I finally decided I would just make time. So, I am getting up before the crack of dawn everyday and putting a pencil to paper while my baby scarfs down his cheerios. I finally put away my excuses and just made it happen. By the way, I've finally started the mural in Ryder's room and it looks AMAZING. Go me!

Now I challenge you to do the same! If it's something you love, or could love, why won't you just do it? Life is too short to waste so much time doing things that don't make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

So, go slip on your old dance shoes. Pick up your old guitar and strum a few chords. Get your old soccer ball out. Find a team, or a teacher, or an open space, or a used instrument. Pull out those old paint brushes and a canvas, or buy some new ones and try it out for your first time. It's never too old to try something new or to pick up a past-time love of yours. 

Am I the best at what I do? No. Do I love it? Yes. Can I learn and become better? Yes. Every great artist starts at the beginning, and it's the same way with everything else.

I think I've made my point! If you read this whole post and don't take the challenge, you are making EXCUSES. You can never develop too many talents and you can never stop growing and learning. Ready, set, go!

To making it count.

I feel like I'm just going to go ahead and give some advice now...

1. Write in a journal. Do it daily, if you can. It's such a valuable thing to have and to look back upon further on down the road of life. If you're sitting there thinking, "But I suck at keeping a journal..."as you're reading this, then this advice is just for you. Start one, right now. And don't try to do any of the "catching up" crap. No. You'll lose all motivation. Start today, go find a journal that tugs upon your heart strings, crack it open, write "April 24, 2013" across the top of the page, and then make today a day worth recording in your journal. Make every day a day worth recording-- it makes keeping a journal a thousand times easier.

2. Don't focus on the negative aspects of your life. At any given moment, you will be struggling with one thing or another. Sometimes your trials may seem overwhelming and sometimes they may just be annoying, but no matter where you are in life, there will always be something that you need to work on. Don't get so caught up in the struggles of your life that you fail to see the blessings. Look for the good things, and fill your life with them. Whether it's going for a run, finding a new book to read, or simply taking a warm shower, discover what makes you happy, and then focus on those things. Make sure to include simple and happy things in your life each and every day. When you do so, your trials, no matter how big or how small they may seem, won't feel as heavy as they once were. Life is good, even in the hardest of times, when you just remember to include the little things that make you smile.

I've lost my marbles.

I've found myself in a situation where feelings are being felt that haven't been felt since before the dawn of this past summer. Those feelings are typically labeled as feelings of "infatuation." Yes, yes, there has finally been the entrance of a male into my life who actually makes me swoon. And I hate it. Amidst all this hectic emotion and this frenzy of confusion I refer to as my life, I have once again found myself dreaming of a boy in a perfectly childish and innocent manner. Granted, considering the past six months of intense emotions and foolish men, this simple emotion is quite refreshing. So I suppose I should stop complaining about stumbling over a boy when I've had previous experience of falling (off of cliffs and out of airplanes) for boys only to crash miserably on the cold, hard ground of the reality that  reminds me that boys are dumb. To put it simply, for too long I have loved, but now, I merely like. And it's funny, because simply liking makes the men once-loved quite insane over the man now-liked.

Somebody that I used to know.

It's kind of funny how people change.

Sometimes it's for the better, sometimes it's not. I often find myself looking at old friends and saying "What happened? I don't even know you anymore." It's hard to see people you used to call your best friends just float away. But, what can you do?

Things are always changing. The only constant thing in our lives is change. People change, circumstances change, the world around us changes. At times, change is refreshing. It is nice to get out of that day-to-day rut and see something new. Most times, change is uncomfortable, but I believe that it is completely necessary for us to grow.Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in the same old same old. I feel like I haven't changed in a long time. But when I look back, I can see just how much I have changed in such a short time......... for the better. he better.