welcome to bliss

I adore Autumn. 

Beautiful. Crisp. Clean. Colorful. Chilly. Cozy. Delicious. 

Blissful. Addictive. Enchanting. Tranquil. Whimsical.  Perfect.

Everything about fall entices me, 

its cacophony of deep rich colors continually whispers to me,

 constantly reminding me that the time for cuddling, sweaters, cinnamon, boots, hats, hot cocoa, toast, nightmare before Christmas, long socks, 

caramel apples, pumpkin carving, yellow, leaf raking,  is at hand . 

 Consuming me in all it holds, all it is. 

Washing over me like the first rain of the season, warming me from my fingers to my toes, and all the places in between.   

A fire taking root in my heart, warming all the sadness and grief away.

 A blessing, an answer to my prayer, a reason to smile in this hard time. Bliss.

lights will guide you home

I take pictures every single day because I'm a firm believer in capturing moments. Someone once said, "You can never fully capture a moment with a photograph." And I agree. But the photograph's job isn't to capture the entire moment. No, it's supposed to capture a fragment of the moment-- but enough  of it to tug upon your heartstrings and revive the feelings you were feeling that day. A picture speaks a thousand words without ever actually saying anything at all. One day I hope to be capable of doing the same.

I feel like I'm blogging to nobody these days. Where are you, friends? Have you gotten lost in cyberspace or have you just become invisible? It's okay to become invisible sometimes, I think. I'm good at it too. But I need some sign of life so that I know you haven't just keeled over on your keyboard. I want to make sure you're still living and breathing and smiling and reading. Are you still there? Is anyone there? 

Sometimes I miss all those old yesterdays. The todays have gotten rather odd and the oddity makes me fear new tomorrows. But I just close my eyes and count to three and focus really really hard on keeping my breathing slow and steady. I can always hear my heart beating down in my chest when I take the time to stop and listen long enough to make sure it's still there.

And it is. But sometimes I wonder.

and rain will make the flowers grow

If I had a dime for every minute I've spent staring at blank pages and blinking cursors I'd be able to pay for Ryder's college tuition. I tend to write better with pen anyways. But here, with pen, or with blog, it is the same. And I'm really crossing my fingers I can get back into blogging the way I used too. I'm really hoping I can get back into journal writing. I hope I can bring back the writer in me, I really liked her.

For my returning readers, I suppose now would be the time to elaborate on ideas that led us all here. I'll be more open than I'm ever used to, but It'll be good for me. I've struggled in the passed with self esteem issues, but never more than now, or I guess then, since now I'm on the recovery making progress. I guess for some reason when my confidence was attacked, blogging for some reason made it worse. You see I fell into a trap I call failure, which is something we all have to live with, something I simply couldn't. I cared way to much about disappointing people and that right there was most disappointing of all mistakes. Nothing drastic physically happened, only emotionally. You'd never be able to tell, but lets just say there were constant rainstorms blowing through my brain. but I'm beginning to fall back in love with the rain.

I used to believe that love was the only thing you need. But now, I believe, in order to truly love people, especially those who love us, we need to love ourselves. I believe in the potential we all have just in simply being human. But I would disregard myself out of that statement because my form of exercise was tearing myself esteem down. And so, I'm returning to this blog because I believe in creating a new self and I hope to capture her here. I believe we all have great places in store for us down the road. And I believe, down that road, is where love lies. 

So, 

here's too new starts, new posts, and many more to come.

jump.

It sucks the breath from your lungs and the words from your lips. It acts as a catalyst to the the entropy occurring within your mind; it weaves your thoughts into a jumbled mess of knots and pushes you to the brink of insanity. And as you stand with your toes on the ledge, you're forced to make a decision-- will you turn your head away from the great unknown and retreat back into the comfort of being what you've always been and doing what you've always done? Or will you scrunch up your toes and close your eyes and inhale the crisp of the calm autumn air in the last moment of peace just before the storm?

You know that if you jump you will never be able to work your way back to where your feet are planted in this exact moment; but is this where you've always wanted to be or is this merely a stepping stone in your journey? Your lungs are screaming and you exhale-- you know what you want but your legs won't seem to listen, so you bite your bottom lip and taste yet another deep breath of the earth's atmosphere. 

And somehow, you find the courage. Your knees bend and your legs push you forwards-- outwards. You spread your arms as if they are wings and accept the fact that you won't know the consequences they are staring you in the face with their sharp teeth bared and their fiery eyes burning. You're allowing yourself to fall and hoping, all the way down, that someone will find enough courage to catch you before you hit the ground. 

I think that's what love is like. 

You know, standing on the edge of insanity.

And you can't truly fall until you finally decide to jump.

I want to be your reason.

I dismissed the thoughts from my head but now they sit heavily upon my heart. In moments when wind pushes my hair into my face and I brush it to the side or tuck it behind my ear only to feel a few rebellious strands escape and tickle my cheeks and my lips, I realize I'm not the one in control. I've never been the one in control. I merely live a life where I dance from one situation to the next with my fingers crossed and my eyes closed tight so I can't see what's coming; but these lips of mine always whisper little wishes and these fingers of mine always stay firmly crossed.

Chapped lips. Maybe because the days are getting colder and shorter with each sunset, but I've also been licking my lips a lot too. I think it's a nervous habit and life makes me nervous. Chapped lips hurt and when something hurts you think about it. Like when your heart hurts or when your head hurts. But what's silly about hurting lips is the reality that thinking about my lips makes me remember your lips. 

My hands are cold but I like the way it feels; I am very much alive and I am very capable of feeling many different things. And so I slowly open and close my fist, clenching and unclenching to experience the tingling sensation that burns inside the skin. It's odd how hands can feel almost warm when they're nothing close to being warm. Maybe they're just trying to tell us that too much of one thing can result in something becoming a new and entirely different something. Maybe that's why love sometimes turns to hate and hate sometimes turns to love. But then again, maybe not. We all pretend we know why things are the way they are but in all reality all of us know just one thing: nothing.

We all know absolutely nothing.

And in my experience, sometimes nothing

can turn into everything.

you've never lived if your heart has never died.

It doesn't make any sense at all, really. The animal instinct pushes us, as living beings, to act selfishly for the purpose of preserving one's self. So, in the essence, nature has defined love as utter stupidity. It's a disease of the heart that infects the mind and there is no protection from it. It slithers into your heart when you least expect it, wraps its long, spidery fingers around the unprotected muscle, and squeezes so hard that it infects every aspect of who you are within  a mere matter of moments. 

To fall in love is to give up your desire to survive-- you let go of everything you've ever known and you dive into dark, cold, unknown waters. There are only two possible outcomes: one, you'll be in love forever. Or two, your love will die. But to me, both ends are equally terrifying. Love is terrifying. It's not logical. It makes almost no sense at all.

And yet it's the one thing we long for the most in these lives of ours. For some reason, although it's the hardest thing you could ever endure, it is also the best thing. Love doesn't make sense, but in this world it doesn't have to. It's worth every stumble, every trip, every fall, every scraped knee. Because when it all comes down to it, you've never truly lived if your heart has never died.

I find pieces of you in my heart.

Life is defined by moments of insanity; because when all is said and done, the moments you remember the most are the moments spent in utter stupidity or spontaneity. I will never forget the new year's eve I spent with my girls doing everything it isn't socially acceptable to do. I will never forget the time I fell for a guy for the very first time. I will never forget the time I went to that crazy concert and thought I wasn't going to make it out alive. I won't forget my first kiss, or the first time I went skinny dipping, or when I touched lips with a stranger, or when I rode a mechanical bull. Because in those moments, I let go of my inhibitions and set myself free.

Happiness is the art of recognizing all of the good things in life amidst all the absurdities, sad occurrences, and things that cannot be explained. That alone helps me to remember the kind of life I deserve to be living. I also believe in happiness.

When people ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I tell them I want to be happy. I ignore the quizzical expressions and I just smile at them. One day they'll understand that happiness isn't something you wait around to experience, it is something you venture out and find. I find happiness in tacos and in the sky on a cool autumn night. I find it in the smiles of all my favorite people and in reminiscing in all the stupid things I've done throughout my twenty five years of life. I find happiness when I try new things and meet new people. I find happiness a lot when I push myself to step outside of my comfort zone. I find happiness in small towns and long drives. Happiness is everywhere, really. Lately I've been finding it everywhere I look.

You can find it too.
Just open your eyes.