Hidden

Maybe it all scares me, so I run. Scares me that i'm not like the rest. That the words etched into my beating heart are real and different and so honest.There's so much hidden, so much others can't see, so much disallowance of feeling. Like staring into deep, dark, vast, ocean.Knowing there is so much life and stories. thoughts and memories. and not being able to grasp it all at once, but just knowing it has been through so much... and it terrifies me to put them on paper lately because they are constantly changing. Transforming then becoming solid, and I get comfortable, and then it starts all over again ,leaving me here. vulnerable. because sometimes it is hard to be raw. Hard to disagree with what society has deemed a standard. And its hard to keep up. And its hard to want people to see you but keep it inside because of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of being too compassionate. Fear of feeling to the extent that you become broken. Again. But there lies in itself a lose lose situation. because, where are you? Where are you when the real you was needed?  Where are you when the person searching for the real you never knows you exist? So you take the walls down, for a few people. Just for a test. And it's like laying in a puddle while the cars fly past you, the street lights changing from green to red, words of poetry spilling in and out of you. And the world continues on. Nonstop. And you're left breathless and stunned.

The conflict.

Intellect is defined as many things; knowledge, the capacity to understand, reason.

How does intellect differ from emotion? Do we think about feeling? Or do we simply think and feel as separate entities. This has always been a source on such conflict for me in my relationships with others.

Which rules? Intellect or emotion?

In my own intellect, I can rationalize so many elements and they all work. We fit. We are friends. Our goals are relatively simple within confounds of our connection. And I think about the relationship in logistics and the elements are all there.

e·mo·tion

–noun

1. an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness.

2. any of the feelings of joy, sorrow, fear, hate, love, etc.

3. any strong agitation of the feelings actuated by experiencing love, hate, fear, etc., and usually accompanied by certain physiological changes, as increased heartbeat or respiration, and often overt manifestation, as crying or shaking.

4. an instance of this.

5. something that causes such a reaction: the powerful emotion of a great symphony.

In my emotion, I feel such power I run. I am unable to process emotion with an intellectual stronghold. I am able to think about the feeling, but I am unable to live within that emotion free of irrationality.

And thus the complication.

I think with such intensity. Thoughts about life run rampant through an already overzealous brain. I ponder. I analyze. Intellect is ingrained into the core of my body. But what about the feelings? Where do they play into an overactive mind? Are emotions compromised because of the intensity with which one thinks? Who wins within my heart, intellect or emotion? There is no compromise. No gray in a heart shaded in severity. Each battles and stands on firm ground with an army of reasons to win.

My relationships are a mess of all of these aforementioned proverbially posed questions. Each interaction in my various relationships have posed this question. Am I allowing the right people in my life that these should not be questions but balances?

Hmm, I wonder at times. Emotions take the alpha position in my life and I accept that. The questions I now struggle with are how to have a successful relationship, on any level, by allowing intellect to play a larger role in my decisions.

stuck in a chess game

Every so often, I get stuck in one single moment and finding my way is difficult.

Today, life is like a chess game. Black and white squares make up the patterns of emotion. At times, I feel like the King (or Queen to be correct). Invincible. Strong. The last one standing. Other times, I feel like I am the pawn waiting to be overtaken. Jumping through hoops. Waiting for my fate. In one moment, I am reality checked.

And I sit and wonder if there is in fact, some kind of resolution. Do I continue to pursue those aspects in my life that are, in fact, not moving in the direction I want? Do I continue to play the game or do I simply concede and walk away?

A tough decision considering that life's clock is ticking all the while. Every move I ponder leads to another move. Every decision affects the one thereafter. And time is of the essence. Life is not standing still while I decide. Life is moving while I am sitting playing the game.

So, I am tempted to get up and throw the game. Throw my own curve into the mix and simply just walk away instead of agonizing over the next move.

And perhaps, I will walk by and find another game. And I will play by my own rules.....

awakening

I have had this dormant part of my core, my soul.. that comes from a long life of self -deprecation, sadness and sabotages. It's been layered with fear and insecurity. Almost so dormant, I had forgotten those emotions that touch your soul.

As of late, I have become very aware of this missing piece of me. The piece of me that allows happiness and love to flow back and forth, with smalls ebbs instead of tidal waves. The part of me that loves myself first and recognizes the qualities that make me tick. Simply, the dormant part of my core is the true and honest feelings of love.

For the last few years, I have seen myself grow with tremendous leaps and bounds. Yet, I had been living in a state of maintenance, allowing myself to become numb to the true touch of love inside me and the love that comes from others. I needed to hibernate from the emotional intensity I sometimes feel.

Today, I see this awakening. It's a faint glimpse, but the dormancy is dissipating slowly before my eyes. My ability to live my life in love. My ability to leave my life of maintenance for the touch of my own soul. I am truly amazed. And I feel a glimmer of happiness. It makes me smile ever so slighty. I am learning that to love is to touch one's soul and awake everything good and brilliantly alive.

perfectly flawed.

PERFECT

Part of Speech:
adjective
Definition:
Supremely excellent in quality or nature.
Synonyms:
absolute, consummate, faultless, flawless, impeccable, indefectible, unflawed



This morning, I decided to look up the many synonyms for the word perfect in hopes that I may find one that would accurately describe any part of my life. I know, needle in a haystack. I kept thinking: "What is perfection? What is the perfect situation, the perfect life, the perfect moment?" I was hopelessly curious how I measured up. Perhaps trying to counter all the reasons why I am notperfect that I have been furiously writing in my journal of late. Or maybe I have been looking to sell the idea that perfection, in any situation, rarely exists.

If you look at the aforementioned synonyms; words like absolute, impeccable, indefectible come across as so very definitive. I will never be completely impeccable in my life, I never fail to have a small stain or two pop out right before I leave the house. Absolute? The word itself reminds me too much of the drink. Faultless? Egads. Flawless? Only on a good hair day with no place to go.

But it's more than that. I think there are times when we expect that life is supposed to be perfect, in a sense. We look for things to fit a certain mold. We expect that life will one day be flaw free. And in this thinking, our expectations become unreasonable and ultimately led to having to deal with reality.

When I was young, I expected my life to be perfect. The reality of my life, even as I was conjuring up these fantasies, was that it was far from perfect. It was sad and dark for many many years. And my frustration and conflict would grow to unprecedented levels because no matter how I felt or what I did, life just would not conform.

Today, I walk around thinking that I am perfectly flawed. I am striving to accept life for it's IMPERFECTIONS because those are the most beautiful aspects.

When I imagine myself, I see flaws. I also see where I want to be, flaws included. I make mistakes like crazy-I scream and yell when I am upset at times because I am truly an emotionally intense girl. I'm okay with this as long as I really try to contain myself for five minutes before to think it out. I don't always say or do the right things. This too, I am okay with.

Perfection, to me, does not allow for growth. And life is all about evolving, growing and realizing that our flaws are part of the whole life package.

lost my way.

The other day I was writing an e-mail to a friend of mine that has been long removed from my life, a friend that I went to high school with. In the e-mail I wrote, I said: "You know, somewhere between then and now, I lost my way". And that phrase has been stuck in my head ever since.

And it's true. Somewhere between the time I was young and a few months ago, I really did lose my way. I liken it to walking down this long long road that we call life. Throughout my journey, I've had this backpack attached to me with the weight of myself, my emotions, my grief. There have been times when I have stopped along the way and joined others with my backpack filling with my junk each step. I walked down big roads; heartaches, addiction, death. I walked along empty barren streets, peering into windows of others lives I wanted so desperately to live in, my backpack aching from the weight. It was like window shopping, seeing all the different lives I could be living. I just kept walking until I really just got lost.

Many times, I asked directions from those who didn't know the way either or others who tried to point me in the right direction but I just didn't know HOW to ask. I faltered from the weight of my own demons. A lot of stumbling, I was desperately looking for a way home or a diversion to just let the backpack fall for awhile. There were some lonely travels along dark paths. I was unclear. Heavy, unfocused.

And while I lost my way, I didn't stop. Every time I fell, I got up. I learned about the journey. I started looking to lighten my load of baggage to help move my life along. I paused briefly and began to examine those things. Trial and error, seeing what matter and what didn't. I dug deep until I finally pulled out the one thing I needed, a shiny compass buried at the bottom of my bulging sack of useless crap.

Today, I'm navigating. Perhaps I will always be a bit of a wanderer. A bit confused, but on my own road, with direction and purpose. I got lost, changed the way I traveled and now I am finding my way back. Walking through life with the shiny compass that I found in my soul. Stopping along the way to remember why I am walking along, the adventure, the love of traveling through. I am not lost, I'm on my way.

So, my next ponderance, my next life question will be, "Where the hell am I going?"

present

I don't know that I have ever truly believed that people could be present within their lives. If one is present, I've thought, where does the past fit in? I have always been one to try and rectify my past by trying to figure it out. To solve the problems that happened so long ago. My methodology would be to rack my brain for months trying to understand what in my past was causing me to make poor decisions. In reality, I was trying to assign blame and dysfunction on anything but myself and thesedecisions that were not grounded in present thinking. And, in an even more stark reality, I've missed a hell of a lot by allowing wasted time in the past.

The truth is, I'm learning that it really doesn't matter that much. There is something to be said for having an appreciation for the past, we've been there and done that so kudos to us. It is another thing to ground everything that is happening now and potentially in the future on the premise of a culmination of things that happened in the past. Doesn't make sense. That leaves little room for opportunity in the future because we're blocking movement.

And that leads to the sometimes cliche that stresses letting go. I myself have heard many people tell me to let it go and I would loudly protest that by letting go, the very essence of what makes me who I am would cease to exist. That's really good thinking for someone who doesn't want to let anyone in, doesn't want to be open minded and borders of self absorbed. And the essence is more ego than true emotion. There is truly a beauty and grace that comes with allowing yourself to move on. And by moving on, you are really allowing the future to be less subjected to the mistakes and hindrances in the past. You've gained an appreciation but have truly let go of the crap surrounding the experience.

I sit here shaking my head. It's been one of those big "duh" moments. Light bulb flickering. So, instead of thinking about how I can get that time back (a lot of time), I'm moving on. For all those people who have told me to let go (a lot of people), I don't think you're as crazy as I once thought. I think you may have actually been right.

And that's just amazing.

simple as that.

take those moments and hold them close,
the moments of calm serenity.
when you know that despite your fears, it'll all be okay.
simple as that.

take those moments and hold them close,
the moments of reassurance.
when you know that despite your fears, you are loved.
simple as that.

take those moments and hold them close,
the moments of pure rawness.
when you know that despite your fears, it's okay to be real.
simple as that.

take those moments and hold them close,
the moments of contentment.
when you know that despite your fears, you are where you need to be.
simple as that.

take those moments and hold them close,
the moments of tranquility.
when you know that despite your fears, you are never alone.
simple as that.

the essence of being human.

For the better part of my life, I used to retreat into this deep and very dark hole when I felt insecure or immensely stressed about a situation. If there was a question, I'd hide. If faced with doubt, I'd dig and dig until buried deep within self-involvement. I'd drag myself into a very uncomfortable place because that is where I felt the most at home. No rationalization. Little insight. Just a deep hole that required little from me. Blinders on. Heart closed. Life stopped. When faced with any possibility other than what I considered manageable, the only solution would be to block out any kind of emotional response. Not so good for the soul. And definitely not conducive to communicating or learning about anything emotional.

I attribute this to being a very black and white thinker at times. When faced with ambiguity, run like hell, crawl into the hole and shut out any possibility of gray. It was really that simple. To do anything less would mean being open and vulnerable. To allow one moment of stepping OVER the hole would be blasphemy to the self-imposed code I had painfully instilled. Again, this thinking and subsequent Alice in Wonderland like fall down a slippery slope really never yielded any positive results. But boy it was a place I gravitated to consistently for the majority of my life.

At this moment, I feel ambiguity. I have been feeling it in some larger sense since we began our lovely economic roller coaster as has the rest of the world. It's unsettling. Scary. Lately, in the wake of changes that have been both amazing and frustrating, the need to run from the unknown has been overwhelming. I feel open. I feel incredibly vulnerable and scared. The gray has been splattered EVERYWHERE. The voice in my heart keeps encouraging me to RUN LIKE HELL AND JUMP into that "safe" place.

My choice: Run and crawl back in, digging deeper and deeper into the safety of a place I no longer consider healthy. Or learn to appreciate and accept ambiguity for what it is.

First option...not happening at this point in my life, unless I feel like undoing a lot of serious work and this would likely lead to a three year bender.

Second option. Define ambiguity as it applies to the moment and embrace the hell out of it. Learn to live with it and maintain an open-mind (or as open-minded as one who regularly sees things in black and white terms can be). Look beyond what makes me uncomfortable. Be prepared to fail. Be aware that no proven model has yet to be developed for life, particularly my own. Expect the unexpected and maybe ambiguity will turn into superb clarity. Or perhaps not.

I do know one thing, I am no longer comfortable retreating. No longer complacent with running away from the elements in life I fear the most. If I have to live an ambiguous life, I accept and get that.

There's some strange beauty in the unknown. Some prolific grace that I find much more enticing than no growth at all. And for that, I'll gladly give up the big shovel I've been carrying around.

Today, I realize that I've spent the better part of a year unraveling myself to the point that I am standing among proverbial pieces of my life scattered around me. 

These pieces, emotions. Anger. Hurt. Happiness. Regret. Heartache. Longing. Love. Like small slips of paper caught up in swirling fury. 

I pick and choose each and begin to manifest these emotions.  Messages unleashing fury. Journal pages filled with regret and sadness. Conversations with glimmers of hope. I tend to focus only on each piece that I am trying so desperately to rectify and make right. I am so busy trying to put all the pieces together, I sometimes forget that I should be focused on the glue that binds them. The acquisition of strength and forgiveness. The process in which we are able to see the entire puzzle, not just each slightly busted element. 

And through this, if I sit for a moment and just let myself rest, the pieces begin to fall slightly into place. Imagine that. If I just allow myself a moment to be human, to be still, there is a clarity in where the pieces begin to fall.  I begin to realize that we are all simply human. That the picture is much larger than minute elements and variations and utter unravelings. It's humanity. Life. The very essence of being human.

Compass.

Every minute, every day, we choose direction. Whether we wake up and decide to move left or right, there is a specific direction that we take. It is all relative to where we want to go. And trying to figure out how to get there is sometimes an incredibly daunting task, particularly when unaided by our own fear of the unknown. 

So many times in my own life, during these times of choice, I sometimes wish that I could whip out a compass and have it magically point me in the direction that would be the most conducive to happiness and well being. When this magical intangible compass has failed to appear (as it should), I have become frustrated with myself for walking in the wrong direction or running like hell right into the middle of total misdirection. 

The reality is that we all have an internal compass (not a magical one). One that, if crafted with time and insight into how we want our lives to be lived, will help us move in the direction we choose. It's about learning to navigate choices. And spending the time to understand the consequences and aspirations that the chosen direction holds. 

Each time I am faced with a new direction and the decisions weigh on me, I think about what is driving my intention. Where will this direction take me? And ultimately, will I be a better person and happier when I've taken steps to move that way.

And that, my friends, is the shiny direction bearing tool that may not prevent me from making mistakes, but it helps me stop and at least ask where I am going.

It's always darkest before the dawn.

It's one of the paradoxes of life, one of the most confusing and hard to take things, but it's one of the important truths . . . that painful and difficult things often get worse before they get better.

In order for a wound to heal, often the infection must be cleaned out before you can stitch it up. When a baby is born, after hours and hours of painful labor, the worst pain of all comes just before the miraculous birth. The very darkest part of the night happens right before the sun comes up.

This can teach us so much about holding on . . . about sticking with it . . . about bearing through it to see the other side . . . about doing the hard work of digging out the infection, cleaning it thoroughly . . . no matter how painful it is so that we can fully heal.

There is nothing like the feeling of holding a new baby in your arms after that horrific final pain, and somehow the pain you just endured made the experience a million times sweeter once it was over.

When the sun comes up, it is such a welcome beauty after such a dark night.

Would we be able to feel the incredible miracles, the beauty, the joy, the peace if we didn't know this pain just before it ended?

I know that if I stick with it, I will be so glad that I did.

I am strong enough. I will be able to do it. I just need to keep going. I just need to keep breathing. 

Stars can't shine without darkness.

Sometimes we feel like there is nothing left in the world that we can count on...like everything will fail us, disappoint us and leave us feeling abandoned. 

Sometimes we forget that the sun is so pretty when it comes up, and so spectacular as it is going down...sometimes we can go weeks without ever noticing the beautiful show that is going on in the sky every morning and every night. Sometimes we stop noticing entirely all that is going on for us every single day.

Without fail, the sun rises every day and goes to bed every night.......only to come up again the next morning. The seasons come and the seasons go....new plants show up and fruit grows on trees. The mountains fill with snow and the lakes and rivers fill with water. This has been going on for thousands of years.

Yet sometimes we let confusing times of our lives lead us to believe that we have been abandoned, left behind or forgotten.

All around us is proof that the world is kind and good, that life supports us and that there is light to be found in the darkness. Often we are left alone by people or things that were once companions to us, but we are never left entirely alone.

There is always something good and true to be learned. Sometimes being “alone” is our very best teacher so that we can learn the deepest truths that come in the blessed silence that is left when we are in new parts of our lives.

Look around today, at all of the things that have been hard to see and to remember lately. Know that just like the sun, you get to rise tomorrow and start a brand new day...with the opportunity to light up the world with your own light, which is one of the greatest happinesses of all, one that can never be taken from us.

If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar.

Have you ever been lied to? Probably. I’m going to just be bold and say…yes, of course you have been lied to, at some time or another in your beautiful life.

Sometimes it’s hard to find comfort, especially the soul kind, because at the root of it all…we have often been lied to…..but that’s not the part that hurt….the part that hurt was that we believed the lie…..and when you believe a lie, it can grow into all sorts of craziness and wreak havoc on your soul. Think about it…..perhaps the reason it is hard to find peace and comfort in your soul was simply because you believed a lie…or maybe lots of them.

I’m talking about the kind of lies that come at us when we are not yet wise enough to know how ridiculous the lies are….the kind that get ingrained in our psyche, our souls…..so deeply that sometimes we do not even know that they are there…..the kind that shape our behavior and our decisions…the kind that put invisible limitations on us that we just can’t put our finger on.

….and, the kind that make our minds swirl and spin and NEVER quiet down…keeping us from finding any kind of rest….and keep us from believing that we even deserve to rest…that there is just this magic something that we HAVE TO DO OR BE before we can feel at peace,stop and rest, or take a break from all of the proving.

I believe with everything in me that we are meant to be comforted. NOT JUST SOME OF US…ALL OF US. We are meant to feel peace. We are meant for joy, love and life….the kind of life you really LIVE, not the kind of life that you merely endure each day. To live, we must also rest….rest our bodies and rest our minds. Any kind of communication that makes us feel that comfort, peace, love, rest and even bliss is not possible for us is rooted in some lie that we were told at some time.

You see, beautiful soul…..if you are having difficulty finding comfort in your life, and especially providing it for yourself, it is probably because you have been lied to…and you believed it…..

Maybe a voice told you that you were not worthy of a super duper happy life…and maybe it  was not even said in words, but in actions. Either way, you believed it.

Maybe a ringing voice said that you have to earn joy…that you have to earn love and that you won’t belong unless ____________. And then…even though it surely wasn’t true (and your wise old self would never let someone you love believe that now that you are older and wiser)…before you knew better, you believed it.

Maybe that went on to a voice that said that all of those beautiful heart-filled life rules about unconditional love and soul peace and finding your bliss were for everyone but you, because you have made too many mistakes, or you were not the right “kind” from the time you were born. And then sad things happened in your life…and hard things…so you started to believe that it was because the good rules in life just weren’t meant for you…a lie that was told to you somewhere, by someone or by something…and you believed it.

Before long, the voice that was lying seemed to be in your head…so then you really believed it. But it was just rehashing the lie it had been told at sometime…the lie that you really believed.

And then little things that happen seem to validate the lie. So…when we get un-friended on Facebook, or someone dings our car, or a blessing we were hoping for does not happen……….it feels connected to what we believed when you were lied to….which makes us just keep believing the lie instead of clinging to what is really true:

YOU ARE VALUABLE…

and YOU ARE IMPORTANT….

and YOU ARE NOT ONLY WORTHY OF HAPPINESS….but THAT IS WHAT IS MEANT FOR YOU.

Peace and rest and comfort is not found in the validation or acceptance of others, it is not found in acquiring things, it is not found in working your way up to the top of any ladder. It is not to be found after you have proved your worthiness to be alive in some way, nor is it to be found after you have given enough or worked enough or won enough. It is not found after you have felt accepted into some group or circle or relationship. It is not to be found after you make the prettiest art or fit into the smallest jeans or get invited to the best party. The yucky lies will feed on those kinds of things that are completely out of your control.

 Really….the truth is…….the only real soul-deep comfort is found in PURE TRUTH……the same truth that is LOVE and LIGHT. By truth I don’t mean facts, and added up wins and losses and sparkly things…..I mean PURE TRUTH. The real stuff. The stuff that sheds so much bright soft light on the lies that the lies just kind of dissolve.

Think hard about what is keeping you from finding peace, comfort and letting yourself rest and have joy and be happy.. If you find it hard to step into a life like that….chances are it is because you have been lied to somewhere and somehow….and the lies are taking hold.

Figure out what really is true for you…..and what is just some old lie that you believed way back before you knew better.

You see, when we know better…we can do better. 

Not everything was right in the world but everything was right in her heart.

Things don't always make sense but making sense is overrated in a world where sense has evolved into cruel words and dark social acceptance. I don't ever want to make sense. 

I think it's funny when people tell me they live a boring life; don't they realize that life is only exciting when you choose to make it so? Adventure lies in every crack of the sidewalk and in every ray of light from the heavens-- you just have to find the courage to go looking for it. Once you do, you'll find it everywhere. Even within your own mind.

The moments I've felt most alive were the moments I've felt the most out of place.

Heart-racing moments captured in one swift click of a button. Light and happiness all mixed in to preserve what once was for all that will someday be. They tell me that it's silly but I won't listen; because life is too short to not do what you love doing the most. 

Don't let the darkness in the world dim the light in your soul. 

xo.

puh.

Between your eyes and mine are the unspoken affirmations of all we don't have the words to say. Be that space inches, feet across a crowded room, be we separated by glass or through the veneer of tears that lend shine to the lights around us, the words we've never needed freeze with the dust that hangs between us. Can you too feel time slow to a crawl? A crawl to a stall and a stall to a stop? Can we dance across the dust that catches the sunlight in the spaces between us? Can we meet there and listen to the sound the wild rush of all things left unsaid? The breath in my lungs no longer belongs to me, it is yours each and every time the world disappears around us. Between your eyes and mine, is a threat that ties us together, quivering and pulsing with the life that flows between us. Can we slide to the middle and kiss while time thaws around us? Can I whisper into your waiting ears that there is more magic in one glance from your eyes that a lifetime of stares from anyone else.

crazy girl

People told me I was crazy.

Lately I am understanding why they said that.

Thoughts run through my head at speeds immeasurable. I can barely even recognize what I am thinking before another comes to my mind. I am a bit overwhelmed, I think. But I have reason to be.

Change is good, I know that and I always will. Some things never change, though. It seems as if the things I wish would change are remaining the same, while the things I wish to remain constant are glued to a high speed bus. But it is not about what I wish. It is about what is best for me.

I am walking down a road in the dark with a small flashlight that allows me to see only a few steps in advance. The rest is unknown. I kind of like it that way.

welcome to bliss

I adore Autumn. 

Beautiful. Crisp. Clean. Colorful. Chilly. Cozy. Delicious. 

Blissful. Addictive. Enchanting. Tranquil. Whimsical.  Perfect.

Everything about fall entices me, 

its cacophony of deep rich colors continually whispers to me,

 constantly reminding me that the time for cuddling, sweaters, cinnamon, boots, hats, hot cocoa, toast, nightmare before Christmas, long socks, 

caramel apples, pumpkin carving, yellow, leaf raking,  is at hand . 

 Consuming me in all it holds, all it is. 

Washing over me like the first rain of the season, warming me from my fingers to my toes, and all the places in between.   

A fire taking root in my heart, warming all the sadness and grief away.

 A blessing, an answer to my prayer, a reason to smile in this hard time. Bliss.

lights will guide you home

I take pictures every single day because I'm a firm believer in capturing moments. Someone once said, "You can never fully capture a moment with a photograph." And I agree. But the photograph's job isn't to capture the entire moment. No, it's supposed to capture a fragment of the moment-- but enough  of it to tug upon your heartstrings and revive the feelings you were feeling that day. A picture speaks a thousand words without ever actually saying anything at all. One day I hope to be capable of doing the same.

I feel like I'm blogging to nobody these days. Where are you, friends? Have you gotten lost in cyberspace or have you just become invisible? It's okay to become invisible sometimes, I think. I'm good at it too. But I need some sign of life so that I know you haven't just keeled over on your keyboard. I want to make sure you're still living and breathing and smiling and reading. Are you still there? Is anyone there? 

Sometimes I miss all those old yesterdays. The todays have gotten rather odd and the oddity makes me fear new tomorrows. But I just close my eyes and count to three and focus really really hard on keeping my breathing slow and steady. I can always hear my heart beating down in my chest when I take the time to stop and listen long enough to make sure it's still there.

And it is. But sometimes I wonder.

and rain will make the flowers grow

If I had a dime for every minute I've spent staring at blank pages and blinking cursors I'd be able to pay for Ryder's college tuition. I tend to write better with pen anyways. But here, with pen, or with blog, it is the same. And I'm really crossing my fingers I can get back into blogging the way I used too. I'm really hoping I can get back into journal writing. I hope I can bring back the writer in me, I really liked her.

For my returning readers, I suppose now would be the time to elaborate on ideas that led us all here. I'll be more open than I'm ever used to, but It'll be good for me. I've struggled in the passed with self esteem issues, but never more than now, or I guess then, since now I'm on the recovery making progress. I guess for some reason when my confidence was attacked, blogging for some reason made it worse. You see I fell into a trap I call failure, which is something we all have to live with, something I simply couldn't. I cared way to much about disappointing people and that right there was most disappointing of all mistakes. Nothing drastic physically happened, only emotionally. You'd never be able to tell, but lets just say there were constant rainstorms blowing through my brain. but I'm beginning to fall back in love with the rain.

I used to believe that love was the only thing you need. But now, I believe, in order to truly love people, especially those who love us, we need to love ourselves. I believe in the potential we all have just in simply being human. But I would disregard myself out of that statement because my form of exercise was tearing myself esteem down. And so, I'm returning to this blog because I believe in creating a new self and I hope to capture her here. I believe we all have great places in store for us down the road. And I believe, down that road, is where love lies. 

So, 

here's too new starts, new posts, and many more to come.

jump.

It sucks the breath from your lungs and the words from your lips. It acts as a catalyst to the the entropy occurring within your mind; it weaves your thoughts into a jumbled mess of knots and pushes you to the brink of insanity. And as you stand with your toes on the ledge, you're forced to make a decision-- will you turn your head away from the great unknown and retreat back into the comfort of being what you've always been and doing what you've always done? Or will you scrunch up your toes and close your eyes and inhale the crisp of the calm autumn air in the last moment of peace just before the storm?

You know that if you jump you will never be able to work your way back to where your feet are planted in this exact moment; but is this where you've always wanted to be or is this merely a stepping stone in your journey? Your lungs are screaming and you exhale-- you know what you want but your legs won't seem to listen, so you bite your bottom lip and taste yet another deep breath of the earth's atmosphere. 

And somehow, you find the courage. Your knees bend and your legs push you forwards-- outwards. You spread your arms as if they are wings and accept the fact that you won't know the consequences they are staring you in the face with their sharp teeth bared and their fiery eyes burning. You're allowing yourself to fall and hoping, all the way down, that someone will find enough courage to catch you before you hit the ground. 

I think that's what love is like. 

You know, standing on the edge of insanity.

And you can't truly fall until you finally decide to jump.

I want to be your reason.

I dismissed the thoughts from my head but now they sit heavily upon my heart. In moments when wind pushes my hair into my face and I brush it to the side or tuck it behind my ear only to feel a few rebellious strands escape and tickle my cheeks and my lips, I realize I'm not the one in control. I've never been the one in control. I merely live a life where I dance from one situation to the next with my fingers crossed and my eyes closed tight so I can't see what's coming; but these lips of mine always whisper little wishes and these fingers of mine always stay firmly crossed.

Chapped lips. Maybe because the days are getting colder and shorter with each sunset, but I've also been licking my lips a lot too. I think it's a nervous habit and life makes me nervous. Chapped lips hurt and when something hurts you think about it. Like when your heart hurts or when your head hurts. But what's silly about hurting lips is the reality that thinking about my lips makes me remember your lips. 

My hands are cold but I like the way it feels; I am very much alive and I am very capable of feeling many different things. And so I slowly open and close my fist, clenching and unclenching to experience the tingling sensation that burns inside the skin. It's odd how hands can feel almost warm when they're nothing close to being warm. Maybe they're just trying to tell us that too much of one thing can result in something becoming a new and entirely different something. Maybe that's why love sometimes turns to hate and hate sometimes turns to love. But then again, maybe not. We all pretend we know why things are the way they are but in all reality all of us know just one thing: nothing.

We all know absolutely nothing.

And in my experience, sometimes nothing

can turn into everything.

you've never lived if your heart has never died.

It doesn't make any sense at all, really. The animal instinct pushes us, as living beings, to act selfishly for the purpose of preserving one's self. So, in the essence, nature has defined love as utter stupidity. It's a disease of the heart that infects the mind and there is no protection from it. It slithers into your heart when you least expect it, wraps its long, spidery fingers around the unprotected muscle, and squeezes so hard that it infects every aspect of who you are within  a mere matter of moments. 

To fall in love is to give up your desire to survive-- you let go of everything you've ever known and you dive into dark, cold, unknown waters. There are only two possible outcomes: one, you'll be in love forever. Or two, your love will die. But to me, both ends are equally terrifying. Love is terrifying. It's not logical. It makes almost no sense at all.

And yet it's the one thing we long for the most in these lives of ours. For some reason, although it's the hardest thing you could ever endure, it is also the best thing. Love doesn't make sense, but in this world it doesn't have to. It's worth every stumble, every trip, every fall, every scraped knee. Because when it all comes down to it, you've never truly lived if your heart has never died.

I find pieces of you in my heart.

Life is defined by moments of insanity; because when all is said and done, the moments you remember the most are the moments spent in utter stupidity or spontaneity. I will never forget the new year's eve I spent with my girls doing everything it isn't socially acceptable to do. I will never forget the time I fell for a guy for the very first time. I will never forget the time I went to that crazy concert and thought I wasn't going to make it out alive. I won't forget my first kiss, or the first time I went skinny dipping, or when I touched lips with a stranger, or when I rode a mechanical bull. Because in those moments, I let go of my inhibitions and set myself free.

Happiness is the art of recognizing all of the good things in life amidst all the absurdities, sad occurrences, and things that cannot be explained. That alone helps me to remember the kind of life I deserve to be living. I also believe in happiness.

When people ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I tell them I want to be happy. I ignore the quizzical expressions and I just smile at them. One day they'll understand that happiness isn't something you wait around to experience, it is something you venture out and find. I find happiness in tacos and in the sky on a cool autumn night. I find it in the smiles of all my favorite people and in reminiscing in all the stupid things I've done throughout my twenty five years of life. I find happiness when I try new things and meet new people. I find happiness a lot when I push myself to step outside of my comfort zone. I find happiness in small towns and long drives. Happiness is everywhere, really. Lately I've been finding it everywhere I look.

You can find it too.
Just open your eyes.

crowded empty spaces.

they won't come out.
the verbs the adjectives the meaning.
nothing.
they form and deform.
going all together, all at once.
yet not at all.
no, nothing.
collisions.
blank paper.
smeared blank paper.
now crumpled.
cause those are not the words.
cause those are the words.
and I can feel it.
I feel I feel I feel.
and I know it.
but it refuses to register.
because I refuse to let it.
it won't come out of my lips.
it won't come out of my fingertips.
and it won't leave my mind.
these thoughts.
my thoughts.
nothing else.
locked.
fighting.
but very much locked.
forbidden.
for now.

wet pavement.

the eager foreignness of it all is both exhilarating and penetrating.
trying to find where it all fits amungst the twisting and placing.
the rain on the pavement
the overused tires
I try to uncover the meaning but it's useless.
just like some people see these storms.
and overlook the lightening 
and forget to hear the thunder.
just like they pretend to understand it all.
with the nonstop engines
the unsaid words.
throw a penny into a pond and it'll instantly blend in.
it'll instantly put on the image it's supposed to,
because it'll be seen that way whether it chooses to or not.
no matter what.
but maybe that's just a useless metaphor and I should be vulnerable.
and admit I don't have a clue how to be a penny
and I won't pretend to be one either.