Hidden

Maybe it all scares me, so I run. Scares me that i'm not like the rest. That the words etched into my beating heart are real and different and so honest.There's so much hidden, so much others can't see, so much disallowance of feeling. Like staring into deep, dark, vast, ocean.Knowing there is so much life and stories. thoughts and memories. and not being able to grasp it all at once, but just knowing it has been through so much... and it terrifies me to put them on paper lately because they are constantly changing. Transforming then becoming solid, and I get comfortable, and then it starts all over again ,leaving me here. vulnerable. because sometimes it is hard to be raw. Hard to disagree with what society has deemed a standard. And its hard to keep up. And its hard to want people to see you but keep it inside because of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of being too compassionate. Fear of feeling to the extent that you become broken. Again. But there lies in itself a lose lose situation. because, where are you? Where are you when the real you was needed?  Where are you when the person searching for the real you never knows you exist? So you take the walls down, for a few people. Just for a test. And it's like laying in a puddle while the cars fly past you, the street lights changing from green to red, words of poetry spilling in and out of you. And the world continues on. Nonstop. And you're left breathless and stunned.

The conflict.

Intellect is defined as many things; knowledge, the capacity to understand, reason.

How does intellect differ from emotion? Do we think about feeling? Or do we simply think and feel as separate entities. This has always been a source on such conflict for me in my relationships with others.

Which rules? Intellect or emotion?

In my own intellect, I can rationalize so many elements and they all work. We fit. We are friends. Our goals are relatively simple within confounds of our connection. And I think about the relationship in logistics and the elements are all there.

e·mo·tion

–noun

1. an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness.

2. any of the feelings of joy, sorrow, fear, hate, love, etc.

3. any strong agitation of the feelings actuated by experiencing love, hate, fear, etc., and usually accompanied by certain physiological changes, as increased heartbeat or respiration, and often overt manifestation, as crying or shaking.

4. an instance of this.

5. something that causes such a reaction: the powerful emotion of a great symphony.

In my emotion, I feel such power I run. I am unable to process emotion with an intellectual stronghold. I am able to think about the feeling, but I am unable to live within that emotion free of irrationality.

And thus the complication.

I think with such intensity. Thoughts about life run rampant through an already overzealous brain. I ponder. I analyze. Intellect is ingrained into the core of my body. But what about the feelings? Where do they play into an overactive mind? Are emotions compromised because of the intensity with which one thinks? Who wins within my heart, intellect or emotion? There is no compromise. No gray in a heart shaded in severity. Each battles and stands on firm ground with an army of reasons to win.

My relationships are a mess of all of these aforementioned proverbially posed questions. Each interaction in my various relationships have posed this question. Am I allowing the right people in my life that these should not be questions but balances?

Hmm, I wonder at times. Emotions take the alpha position in my life and I accept that. The questions I now struggle with are how to have a successful relationship, on any level, by allowing intellect to play a larger role in my decisions.

stuck in a chess game

Every so often, I get stuck in one single moment and finding my way is difficult.

Today, life is like a chess game. Black and white squares make up the patterns of emotion. At times, I feel like the King (or Queen to be correct). Invincible. Strong. The last one standing. Other times, I feel like I am the pawn waiting to be overtaken. Jumping through hoops. Waiting for my fate. In one moment, I am reality checked.

And I sit and wonder if there is in fact, some kind of resolution. Do I continue to pursue those aspects in my life that are, in fact, not moving in the direction I want? Do I continue to play the game or do I simply concede and walk away?

A tough decision considering that life's clock is ticking all the while. Every move I ponder leads to another move. Every decision affects the one thereafter. And time is of the essence. Life is not standing still while I decide. Life is moving while I am sitting playing the game.

So, I am tempted to get up and throw the game. Throw my own curve into the mix and simply just walk away instead of agonizing over the next move.

And perhaps, I will walk by and find another game. And I will play by my own rules.....

awakening

I have had this dormant part of my core, my soul.. that comes from a long life of self -deprecation, sadness and sabotages. It's been layered with fear and insecurity. Almost so dormant, I had forgotten those emotions that touch your soul.

As of late, I have become very aware of this missing piece of me. The piece of me that allows happiness and love to flow back and forth, with smalls ebbs instead of tidal waves. The part of me that loves myself first and recognizes the qualities that make me tick. Simply, the dormant part of my core is the true and honest feelings of love.

For the last few years, I have seen myself grow with tremendous leaps and bounds. Yet, I had been living in a state of maintenance, allowing myself to become numb to the true touch of love inside me and the love that comes from others. I needed to hibernate from the emotional intensity I sometimes feel.

Today, I see this awakening. It's a faint glimpse, but the dormancy is dissipating slowly before my eyes. My ability to live my life in love. My ability to leave my life of maintenance for the touch of my own soul. I am truly amazed. And I feel a glimmer of happiness. It makes me smile ever so slighty. I am learning that to love is to touch one's soul and awake everything good and brilliantly alive.

perfectly flawed.

PERFECT

Part of Speech:
adjective
Definition:
Supremely excellent in quality or nature.
Synonyms:
absolute, consummate, faultless, flawless, impeccable, indefectible, unflawed



This morning, I decided to look up the many synonyms for the word perfect in hopes that I may find one that would accurately describe any part of my life. I know, needle in a haystack. I kept thinking: "What is perfection? What is the perfect situation, the perfect life, the perfect moment?" I was hopelessly curious how I measured up. Perhaps trying to counter all the reasons why I am notperfect that I have been furiously writing in my journal of late. Or maybe I have been looking to sell the idea that perfection, in any situation, rarely exists.

If you look at the aforementioned synonyms; words like absolute, impeccable, indefectible come across as so very definitive. I will never be completely impeccable in my life, I never fail to have a small stain or two pop out right before I leave the house. Absolute? The word itself reminds me too much of the drink. Faultless? Egads. Flawless? Only on a good hair day with no place to go.

But it's more than that. I think there are times when we expect that life is supposed to be perfect, in a sense. We look for things to fit a certain mold. We expect that life will one day be flaw free. And in this thinking, our expectations become unreasonable and ultimately led to having to deal with reality.

When I was young, I expected my life to be perfect. The reality of my life, even as I was conjuring up these fantasies, was that it was far from perfect. It was sad and dark for many many years. And my frustration and conflict would grow to unprecedented levels because no matter how I felt or what I did, life just would not conform.

Today, I walk around thinking that I am perfectly flawed. I am striving to accept life for it's IMPERFECTIONS because those are the most beautiful aspects.

When I imagine myself, I see flaws. I also see where I want to be, flaws included. I make mistakes like crazy-I scream and yell when I am upset at times because I am truly an emotionally intense girl. I'm okay with this as long as I really try to contain myself for five minutes before to think it out. I don't always say or do the right things. This too, I am okay with.

Perfection, to me, does not allow for growth. And life is all about evolving, growing and realizing that our flaws are part of the whole life package.

lost my way.

The other day I was writing an e-mail to a friend of mine that has been long removed from my life, a friend that I went to high school with. In the e-mail I wrote, I said: "You know, somewhere between then and now, I lost my way". And that phrase has been stuck in my head ever since.

And it's true. Somewhere between the time I was young and a few months ago, I really did lose my way. I liken it to walking down this long long road that we call life. Throughout my journey, I've had this backpack attached to me with the weight of myself, my emotions, my grief. There have been times when I have stopped along the way and joined others with my backpack filling with my junk each step. I walked down big roads; heartaches, addiction, death. I walked along empty barren streets, peering into windows of others lives I wanted so desperately to live in, my backpack aching from the weight. It was like window shopping, seeing all the different lives I could be living. I just kept walking until I really just got lost.

Many times, I asked directions from those who didn't know the way either or others who tried to point me in the right direction but I just didn't know HOW to ask. I faltered from the weight of my own demons. A lot of stumbling, I was desperately looking for a way home or a diversion to just let the backpack fall for awhile. There were some lonely travels along dark paths. I was unclear. Heavy, unfocused.

And while I lost my way, I didn't stop. Every time I fell, I got up. I learned about the journey. I started looking to lighten my load of baggage to help move my life along. I paused briefly and began to examine those things. Trial and error, seeing what matter and what didn't. I dug deep until I finally pulled out the one thing I needed, a shiny compass buried at the bottom of my bulging sack of useless crap.

Today, I'm navigating. Perhaps I will always be a bit of a wanderer. A bit confused, but on my own road, with direction and purpose. I got lost, changed the way I traveled and now I am finding my way back. Walking through life with the shiny compass that I found in my soul. Stopping along the way to remember why I am walking along, the adventure, the love of traveling through. I am not lost, I'm on my way.

So, my next ponderance, my next life question will be, "Where the hell am I going?"

present

I don't know that I have ever truly believed that people could be present within their lives. If one is present, I've thought, where does the past fit in? I have always been one to try and rectify my past by trying to figure it out. To solve the problems that happened so long ago. My methodology would be to rack my brain for months trying to understand what in my past was causing me to make poor decisions. In reality, I was trying to assign blame and dysfunction on anything but myself and thesedecisions that were not grounded in present thinking. And, in an even more stark reality, I've missed a hell of a lot by allowing wasted time in the past.

The truth is, I'm learning that it really doesn't matter that much. There is something to be said for having an appreciation for the past, we've been there and done that so kudos to us. It is another thing to ground everything that is happening now and potentially in the future on the premise of a culmination of things that happened in the past. Doesn't make sense. That leaves little room for opportunity in the future because we're blocking movement.

And that leads to the sometimes cliche that stresses letting go. I myself have heard many people tell me to let it go and I would loudly protest that by letting go, the very essence of what makes me who I am would cease to exist. That's really good thinking for someone who doesn't want to let anyone in, doesn't want to be open minded and borders of self absorbed. And the essence is more ego than true emotion. There is truly a beauty and grace that comes with allowing yourself to move on. And by moving on, you are really allowing the future to be less subjected to the mistakes and hindrances in the past. You've gained an appreciation but have truly let go of the crap surrounding the experience.

I sit here shaking my head. It's been one of those big "duh" moments. Light bulb flickering. So, instead of thinking about how I can get that time back (a lot of time), I'm moving on. For all those people who have told me to let go (a lot of people), I don't think you're as crazy as I once thought. I think you may have actually been right.

And that's just amazing.