I'm rambling.

I don't really know if my inability to let go completely came early in my childhood or whether it's been formulated from so many years of being emotionally irresponsible. Lately, though, it's another one of those elements in my life that is not so satisfying in its current state.

I keep going back...way back. Was I overly attached to any tangible object? My baby blanket that took me years to finally get rid of? The pictures of people that are no longer in my life stacked in drawers waiting for a moment of weakness to be drearily thumbed through? Or was it losing my parents at such a young age? 

No matter, this inability to let go has absolutely hindered so many opportunities in my life. Relationships that don't work but give me enough peace of mind to hold on to a tiny shred of hope. Thoughts that clutter my already busy head. Feelings of inadequacy and insecurity that stem from my need to squash whatever happiness is around me. I feel as if all of these emotions and actions directly stem from this desire I have to keep negativity grounded within me.

And it's driving me insane because as much as I want to let go of all these hindrances, there is a great security in holding everything as tight as possible.

So, what is the secret? Writing it out? I've made my lists. Reading another book? Been there. I think that the secret is really, honestly just letting it go knowing that you can only control yourself. That I am teetering on making a huge life change that can only be done if I truly want to and then taking the steps to get EXACTLY what I am after.

I think this may be the mantra for the day since happiness really only does come from within first.

expectations

In the wake of my recovery and likely my precipitous road to it, I have become painfully aware of the expectations I set for myself on many levels. I wish to succeed professionally, attain true honesty within my heart and soul and live my life with happiness. The standards may be lofty as I truly believe something great is on the brink of emulating from the growth and awareness I am gaining. I just wish, in my lack of ability for self-effacingness, that I figure out what the hell this brink is and how to get there. It confuses me. I find that the closer I come to realizing this maturity and ability to achieve all levels of the success I strive for, the harder I try to sabotage it.

I am more comfortable with self deprecation than I am with self adaptation. Yet, there is a part of me that understands that this is a process we all go through (some of us actually go through this during childhood and adolescence...think I skipped that class) and that when we let go of the fear, life becomes possible. I have been neither ready or willing to let go of fear without paying my own price. Immediately, I will bring myself back into a space that doesn't allow for movement. Trapped within my own fear. And this fear is what I am looking to use as my weapon in battling the life I deserve and want with great passion. I'm out here swinging and in my dolorous armor, I'm slow on the life uptake. Sometimes I think I should just hit myself and get over it. And I think that more and more everyday (something must be working).

So, do I compromise and lower the expectations I have set for myself and my "lofty" ambitions? I don't think so. Do I get a life and start doing what I'm meant to do? You're goddamn right.

The more we do to truly be who we want and what we want, the more "greatness" emulates. And that, to me, is a pretty attainable goal.