simple as that.

take those moments and hold them close,
the moments of calm serenity.
when you know that despite your fears, it'll all be okay.
simple as that.

take those moments and hold them close,
the moments of reassurance.
when you know that despite your fears, you are loved.
simple as that.

take those moments and hold them close,
the moments of pure rawness.
when you know that despite your fears, it's okay to be real.
simple as that.

take those moments and hold them close,
the moments of contentment.
when you know that despite your fears, you are where you need to be.
simple as that.

take those moments and hold them close,
the moments of tranquility.
when you know that despite your fears, you are never alone.
simple as that.

the essence of being human.

For the better part of my life, I used to retreat into this deep and very dark hole when I felt insecure or immensely stressed about a situation. If there was a question, I'd hide. If faced with doubt, I'd dig and dig until buried deep within self-involvement. I'd drag myself into a very uncomfortable place because that is where I felt the most at home. No rationalization. Little insight. Just a deep hole that required little from me. Blinders on. Heart closed. Life stopped. When faced with any possibility other than what I considered manageable, the only solution would be to block out any kind of emotional response. Not so good for the soul. And definitely not conducive to communicating or learning about anything emotional.

I attribute this to being a very black and white thinker at times. When faced with ambiguity, run like hell, crawl into the hole and shut out any possibility of gray. It was really that simple. To do anything less would mean being open and vulnerable. To allow one moment of stepping OVER the hole would be blasphemy to the self-imposed code I had painfully instilled. Again, this thinking and subsequent Alice in Wonderland like fall down a slippery slope really never yielded any positive results. But boy it was a place I gravitated to consistently for the majority of my life.

At this moment, I feel ambiguity. I have been feeling it in some larger sense since we began our lovely economic roller coaster as has the rest of the world. It's unsettling. Scary. Lately, in the wake of changes that have been both amazing and frustrating, the need to run from the unknown has been overwhelming. I feel open. I feel incredibly vulnerable and scared. The gray has been splattered EVERYWHERE. The voice in my heart keeps encouraging me to RUN LIKE HELL AND JUMP into that "safe" place.

My choice: Run and crawl back in, digging deeper and deeper into the safety of a place I no longer consider healthy. Or learn to appreciate and accept ambiguity for what it is.

First option...not happening at this point in my life, unless I feel like undoing a lot of serious work and this would likely lead to a three year bender.

Second option. Define ambiguity as it applies to the moment and embrace the hell out of it. Learn to live with it and maintain an open-mind (or as open-minded as one who regularly sees things in black and white terms can be). Look beyond what makes me uncomfortable. Be prepared to fail. Be aware that no proven model has yet to be developed for life, particularly my own. Expect the unexpected and maybe ambiguity will turn into superb clarity. Or perhaps not.

I do know one thing, I am no longer comfortable retreating. No longer complacent with running away from the elements in life I fear the most. If I have to live an ambiguous life, I accept and get that.

There's some strange beauty in the unknown. Some prolific grace that I find much more enticing than no growth at all. And for that, I'll gladly give up the big shovel I've been carrying around.

Today, I realize that I've spent the better part of a year unraveling myself to the point that I am standing among proverbial pieces of my life scattered around me. 

These pieces, emotions. Anger. Hurt. Happiness. Regret. Heartache. Longing. Love. Like small slips of paper caught up in swirling fury. 

I pick and choose each and begin to manifest these emotions.  Messages unleashing fury. Journal pages filled with regret and sadness. Conversations with glimmers of hope. I tend to focus only on each piece that I am trying so desperately to rectify and make right. I am so busy trying to put all the pieces together, I sometimes forget that I should be focused on the glue that binds them. The acquisition of strength and forgiveness. The process in which we are able to see the entire puzzle, not just each slightly busted element. 

And through this, if I sit for a moment and just let myself rest, the pieces begin to fall slightly into place. Imagine that. If I just allow myself a moment to be human, to be still, there is a clarity in where the pieces begin to fall.  I begin to realize that we are all simply human. That the picture is much larger than minute elements and variations and utter unravelings. It's humanity. Life. The very essence of being human.

Compass.

Every minute, every day, we choose direction. Whether we wake up and decide to move left or right, there is a specific direction that we take. It is all relative to where we want to go. And trying to figure out how to get there is sometimes an incredibly daunting task, particularly when unaided by our own fear of the unknown. 

So many times in my own life, during these times of choice, I sometimes wish that I could whip out a compass and have it magically point me in the direction that would be the most conducive to happiness and well being. When this magical intangible compass has failed to appear (as it should), I have become frustrated with myself for walking in the wrong direction or running like hell right into the middle of total misdirection. 

The reality is that we all have an internal compass (not a magical one). One that, if crafted with time and insight into how we want our lives to be lived, will help us move in the direction we choose. It's about learning to navigate choices. And spending the time to understand the consequences and aspirations that the chosen direction holds. 

Each time I am faced with a new direction and the decisions weigh on me, I think about what is driving my intention. Where will this direction take me? And ultimately, will I be a better person and happier when I've taken steps to move that way.

And that, my friends, is the shiny direction bearing tool that may not prevent me from making mistakes, but it helps me stop and at least ask where I am going.

It's always darkest before the dawn.

It's one of the paradoxes of life, one of the most confusing and hard to take things, but it's one of the important truths . . . that painful and difficult things often get worse before they get better.

In order for a wound to heal, often the infection must be cleaned out before you can stitch it up. When a baby is born, after hours and hours of painful labor, the worst pain of all comes just before the miraculous birth. The very darkest part of the night happens right before the sun comes up.

This can teach us so much about holding on . . . about sticking with it . . . about bearing through it to see the other side . . . about doing the hard work of digging out the infection, cleaning it thoroughly . . . no matter how painful it is so that we can fully heal.

There is nothing like the feeling of holding a new baby in your arms after that horrific final pain, and somehow the pain you just endured made the experience a million times sweeter once it was over.

When the sun comes up, it is such a welcome beauty after such a dark night.

Would we be able to feel the incredible miracles, the beauty, the joy, the peace if we didn't know this pain just before it ended?

I know that if I stick with it, I will be so glad that I did.

I am strong enough. I will be able to do it. I just need to keep going. I just need to keep breathing. 

Stars can't shine without darkness.

Sometimes we feel like there is nothing left in the world that we can count on...like everything will fail us, disappoint us and leave us feeling abandoned. 

Sometimes we forget that the sun is so pretty when it comes up, and so spectacular as it is going down...sometimes we can go weeks without ever noticing the beautiful show that is going on in the sky every morning and every night. Sometimes we stop noticing entirely all that is going on for us every single day.

Without fail, the sun rises every day and goes to bed every night.......only to come up again the next morning. The seasons come and the seasons go....new plants show up and fruit grows on trees. The mountains fill with snow and the lakes and rivers fill with water. This has been going on for thousands of years.

Yet sometimes we let confusing times of our lives lead us to believe that we have been abandoned, left behind or forgotten.

All around us is proof that the world is kind and good, that life supports us and that there is light to be found in the darkness. Often we are left alone by people or things that were once companions to us, but we are never left entirely alone.

There is always something good and true to be learned. Sometimes being “alone” is our very best teacher so that we can learn the deepest truths that come in the blessed silence that is left when we are in new parts of our lives.

Look around today, at all of the things that have been hard to see and to remember lately. Know that just like the sun, you get to rise tomorrow and start a brand new day...with the opportunity to light up the world with your own light, which is one of the greatest happinesses of all, one that can never be taken from us.

If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar.

Have you ever been lied to? Probably. I’m going to just be bold and say…yes, of course you have been lied to, at some time or another in your beautiful life.

Sometimes it’s hard to find comfort, especially the soul kind, because at the root of it all…we have often been lied to…..but that’s not the part that hurt….the part that hurt was that we believed the lie…..and when you believe a lie, it can grow into all sorts of craziness and wreak havoc on your soul. Think about it…..perhaps the reason it is hard to find peace and comfort in your soul was simply because you believed a lie…or maybe lots of them.

I’m talking about the kind of lies that come at us when we are not yet wise enough to know how ridiculous the lies are….the kind that get ingrained in our psyche, our souls…..so deeply that sometimes we do not even know that they are there…..the kind that shape our behavior and our decisions…the kind that put invisible limitations on us that we just can’t put our finger on.

….and, the kind that make our minds swirl and spin and NEVER quiet down…keeping us from finding any kind of rest….and keep us from believing that we even deserve to rest…that there is just this magic something that we HAVE TO DO OR BE before we can feel at peace,stop and rest, or take a break from all of the proving.

I believe with everything in me that we are meant to be comforted. NOT JUST SOME OF US…ALL OF US. We are meant to feel peace. We are meant for joy, love and life….the kind of life you really LIVE, not the kind of life that you merely endure each day. To live, we must also rest….rest our bodies and rest our minds. Any kind of communication that makes us feel that comfort, peace, love, rest and even bliss is not possible for us is rooted in some lie that we were told at some time.

You see, beautiful soul…..if you are having difficulty finding comfort in your life, and especially providing it for yourself, it is probably because you have been lied to…and you believed it…..

Maybe a voice told you that you were not worthy of a super duper happy life…and maybe it  was not even said in words, but in actions. Either way, you believed it.

Maybe a ringing voice said that you have to earn joy…that you have to earn love and that you won’t belong unless ____________. And then…even though it surely wasn’t true (and your wise old self would never let someone you love believe that now that you are older and wiser)…before you knew better, you believed it.

Maybe that went on to a voice that said that all of those beautiful heart-filled life rules about unconditional love and soul peace and finding your bliss were for everyone but you, because you have made too many mistakes, or you were not the right “kind” from the time you were born. And then sad things happened in your life…and hard things…so you started to believe that it was because the good rules in life just weren’t meant for you…a lie that was told to you somewhere, by someone or by something…and you believed it.

Before long, the voice that was lying seemed to be in your head…so then you really believed it. But it was just rehashing the lie it had been told at sometime…the lie that you really believed.

And then little things that happen seem to validate the lie. So…when we get un-friended on Facebook, or someone dings our car, or a blessing we were hoping for does not happen……….it feels connected to what we believed when you were lied to….which makes us just keep believing the lie instead of clinging to what is really true:

YOU ARE VALUABLE…

and YOU ARE IMPORTANT….

and YOU ARE NOT ONLY WORTHY OF HAPPINESS….but THAT IS WHAT IS MEANT FOR YOU.

Peace and rest and comfort is not found in the validation or acceptance of others, it is not found in acquiring things, it is not found in working your way up to the top of any ladder. It is not to be found after you have proved your worthiness to be alive in some way, nor is it to be found after you have given enough or worked enough or won enough. It is not found after you have felt accepted into some group or circle or relationship. It is not to be found after you make the prettiest art or fit into the smallest jeans or get invited to the best party. The yucky lies will feed on those kinds of things that are completely out of your control.

 Really….the truth is…….the only real soul-deep comfort is found in PURE TRUTH……the same truth that is LOVE and LIGHT. By truth I don’t mean facts, and added up wins and losses and sparkly things…..I mean PURE TRUTH. The real stuff. The stuff that sheds so much bright soft light on the lies that the lies just kind of dissolve.

Think hard about what is keeping you from finding peace, comfort and letting yourself rest and have joy and be happy.. If you find it hard to step into a life like that….chances are it is because you have been lied to somewhere and somehow….and the lies are taking hold.

Figure out what really is true for you…..and what is just some old lie that you believed way back before you knew better.

You see, when we know better…we can do better. 

Not everything was right in the world but everything was right in her heart.

Things don't always make sense but making sense is overrated in a world where sense has evolved into cruel words and dark social acceptance. I don't ever want to make sense. 

I think it's funny when people tell me they live a boring life; don't they realize that life is only exciting when you choose to make it so? Adventure lies in every crack of the sidewalk and in every ray of light from the heavens-- you just have to find the courage to go looking for it. Once you do, you'll find it everywhere. Even within your own mind.

The moments I've felt most alive were the moments I've felt the most out of place.

Heart-racing moments captured in one swift click of a button. Light and happiness all mixed in to preserve what once was for all that will someday be. They tell me that it's silly but I won't listen; because life is too short to not do what you love doing the most. 

Don't let the darkness in the world dim the light in your soul. 

xo.

puh.

Between your eyes and mine are the unspoken affirmations of all we don't have the words to say. Be that space inches, feet across a crowded room, be we separated by glass or through the veneer of tears that lend shine to the lights around us, the words we've never needed freeze with the dust that hangs between us. Can you too feel time slow to a crawl? A crawl to a stall and a stall to a stop? Can we dance across the dust that catches the sunlight in the spaces between us? Can we meet there and listen to the sound the wild rush of all things left unsaid? The breath in my lungs no longer belongs to me, it is yours each and every time the world disappears around us. Between your eyes and mine, is a threat that ties us together, quivering and pulsing with the life that flows between us. Can we slide to the middle and kiss while time thaws around us? Can I whisper into your waiting ears that there is more magic in one glance from your eyes that a lifetime of stares from anyone else.

crazy girl

People told me I was crazy.

Lately I am understanding why they said that.

Thoughts run through my head at speeds immeasurable. I can barely even recognize what I am thinking before another comes to my mind. I am a bit overwhelmed, I think. But I have reason to be.

Change is good, I know that and I always will. Some things never change, though. It seems as if the things I wish would change are remaining the same, while the things I wish to remain constant are glued to a high speed bus. But it is not about what I wish. It is about what is best for me.

I am walking down a road in the dark with a small flashlight that allows me to see only a few steps in advance. The rest is unknown. I kind of like it that way.