balance

Self-awareness is one of those things that can be rather challenging to achieve. No one likes to admit, even to themselves, when their behavior isn’t up to snuff. It’s just easier to stay blind to it. On the flip side of that, people often have trouble realizing the positive aspects of their personalities and the good they bring to the world. Being self-aware requires you to take a critical look at yourself and the impact you have on the world around you. It’s also something that can come and go, so once you’re actually there, it takes quite a bit of mental discipline to keep it.

I’ve been lucky (lucky?) in my life to have experiences, both positive and negative, that have allowed me periods of acute self-awareness. I still struggle with some of the success moments – it’s just not in my nature to be all “I’m the shit.” But what I find beneficial, difficult as it may be sometimes, is that I’m able to take a look at myself and course correct so that my behaviors don’t negatively impact those in my life – at least that’s the hope.

I’m someone who regularly struggles with unnecessary guilt. The people in my life mean everything to me and the last thing I want is for anyone to feel less than 100% amazing 100% of the time. So even when events out of my control cause them pain or struggles, I tend to feel as if I could have done something to make their experiences more pleasant.

I foresee myself always wanting to make sure the people around me are happy and content – it’s just part of my nature, and honestly something I take a bit of pride in. That said, I realized recently the impact that some of my behaviors were having on people I truly care about. It wasn’t easy to come to terms with the fact that by doing the things that I needed in my life, I was unintentionally hurting those around me. “Hurting” might be a bit of a strong term – it’s more like I wasn’t giving all of myself the way that I prefer. I am struggling with a balance between ensuring that I get everything I need for my own mental well-being and giving enough of myself to support the people in my life.

Needless to say, I’ve been failing at that as of late. I’ve been selfish. I don’t like being selfish – not for one second. But I also realize that sometimes, I need to be. It’s that delicate balance that I’ve yet to quite figure out. I’m just thankful I’m capable of taking a critical look inward to realize the issues so at least I can acknowledge them and head down the path of figuring out how to make it all work.