Don't let it change you.

I saw it in your eyes that day; I don't know why I never saw it before, but suddenly their blue depths were a mirror and I could look straight into the thoughts you allowed me to see. As you laid beside me on the grass, and as you looked up at me, I saw the anticipation for life and the beating of your heart which kept time to your laugh. We jumped into the piles of leaves and tried to make the most noise, and I felt like I was reconnecting with a part of me that I had pushed down for so long. You made me feel alive again, but here is the truth: I've gotten lost somewhere between the pain and yearning for healing. I let myself wander, but I never quite came home. And I'm working on being found, but sometimes recovering takes much longer than the wounds take to form a scar. And I have always been the one who evaluates every pain and heartache; I study what I feel and I find myself among the flaming orange leaves that leave a trail for me to follow. But sometimes I am reckless. I dive in without thinking, I rush off without wondering how I will get back, and sometimes... I think that's okay. It's like driving down a road and having no idea where you are going, it's an adventure. You can have your eyes closed, but you will never see the light of day; and I think that doing the things you are afraid of is the first step to healing. I hate being vulnerable and that is something that never used to keep me back from loving, but that was when I was your age. And now I find myself hiding in the shadows, and holding back; I keep my heart and sit as far away as I can, but that makes for the loneliest hearts. And I'm learning to let go; I'm finding the freedom in spreading my wings and facing fear, but nobody ever said it was easy. And now, as I am looking into your eyes that are filled with happiness and the expectation that everything is going to work out, I realize that you are ahead of me by a mile. Your eyes tell the story of your love and fearlessness, but your very distinct vulnerability. Yet you aren't afraid of being vulnerable, instead, it makes you cling so much closer to those you love. And I just want to tell you to never change. One day you will open your eyes and you will realize that this world is a cruel place, that bad things happen to good people, and that you have no control over anything. But see, that's when you stand. You brush off the negativity, and the small thinkers; you dare to dream big and you accept life the way it is, and find joy in it. Don't let the hurt put out your flame, but don't ever brush off the pain. Pain and joy are both beautiful things, and you want to go through life with your eyes wide open. (because it really is a beautiful place) Do the things you are afraid of, and step out of your shell. Keep your sense of expectation, because it really is going to get better. And don't ever lose your sense of wonder, or your laugh. One day, your laugh will keep someone alive. Dear little boy, please don't ever change. (you don't have to.)